The Wheel in the Sky
by Ooffo Rancoofsis
Summary: *Game Spoiler Warning* Information cannot be created nor destroyed in a closed system. When the universe resets, a nearly identical one takes its place- without the cause of the glitch. However, the old reality does not go away completely, and its echoes can still be heard. Now a year after reality reset following the 'good ending,' these echoes are finally catching up.
1. Ch 1: A New Reality

The Wheel in the Sky

Act. 1: A New Reality

Chapter 1: Prologue

Her world burned.

Sayori reached for her swollen neck, grasping, pulling, anything to get it off. Her nails dug into her tender flesh, slick blood and bits of skin embedded in her nails.

Her eyes were congested. They could not be closed. Her swollen tongue pushed against the roof of her mouth. It tasted metallic, bloody.

Her legs thrashed as she clawed at her neck, but it wouldn't end. Her strained eyes bulged and her vision began to fade. She felt tired, sleepy. She would have an eternity to sleep. She tried one more helpless scream, but could only gag.

She saw a boy. A strange boy about her age, seemingly clothed in pure light. He looked so familiar, as if she had known him all her life, but she could not remember anything about him. Not even his name could be recovered. The boy looked worried. He ran out, running across pure light, towards her. She held out her bloody arms longing for his embrace. As he is about to reach her, she felt a stunning blow to the back of her head. A blinding white light blazes all around them, and she hears the sound of a distant cannon blast. It was the fury of a thousand exploding suns and the freezing void of empty space.

Sayori felt someone grab her body, thrashing it side to side. She heard a distant voice, but could not make it out. From out of the darkness she could see a new light. She opened her mouth and choked in a breath of sweet, sweet air. With the newfound air in her burning lungs, she screamed.

"Sayori!" came a voice.

Her body was wrapped in a long cloth, like a burial shroud. She fought against it, but it twisted around her in knotted ropes. Her body underneath was drenched in sweat. In the darkness, she could feel hands touching her, fighting her. The shroud was cast off and Sayori pushed back. She felt a hard wall against her back.

She looked up and took another deep breath which she exhaled as a scream. She saw a cool window out of which the moon shown gently through the open blinds. In front of her stood a large silhouette. She kicked at it.

"Sayori! It's me!"

She continued to scream. The silhouette left her. She heard footsteps, and a light was turned on. The light wasn't very powerful, in fact it was on only its third and dimmest setting, but it still burned her eyes. She closed them and fell back into a fetal position. Her senses told her that there was something soft beneath her. She felt a hand touch her arm, she recoiled.

"Sayori! Calm down, it's over! You're safe." She heard the voice. The voice of Monika, her old friend from high school.

"Sayori," Monika said soothingly, "It's over. You're on your bed in our dorm room. Everything will be alright. Whatever it was, it's over. You're awake."

Sayori did not open her eyes. Instead she began to sob. She cried directly into her sheets. She felt the warm, human, _alive_ hands of Monika on her arms and shoulders. Monika was there for her. Monika held her as she continued to sob.

After a few minutes, Sayori became silent. Monika continued to hold her.

"Sayori," Monika asked after a long while, "was it the dream again?"

Sayori didn't answer at first, but after a few seconds Monika felt Sayori's head move with a nod. She slowly let go of her, adjusting herself on Sayori's bed. Sayori sat up, her back against the wall. Her face was red and stained with tears. Her beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot.

Sayori looked around the familiar room. On one end was a large window out of which she could see the night sky and the distant rooftops of surrounding buildings. Below the window was her desk, covered with papers. On the side sat Mr. Cow and other stuffed animals that she kept from childhood. On the side directly opposite of her bed was her roommate Monika's. The sheets were messed up. Sayori must have awakened Monika with her screams. She looked at Monika sitting on the bed with her. Monika wore a simple nightgown, and strands of her long hair draped over her face, partially obscuring her green eyes which seemed to glow in the darkness.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Monika asked after a while. Sayori did not. Just the thought made her feel like vomiting. Sayori decided to tell anyway.

"It was the same as before," she began, "it was burning and choking and I was dying, dying…"

Instantly Monika reached over and hugged her. "It's over now. It was just a dream."

"It felt so real," she muttered, "and this is the ninth time." Sayori pulled away. She turned around and stared out the window. In the distance, she could hear the quiet whispers of car horns and sirens. Life was going on, and she was one small part of it sitting here in her dorm.

"How far did it go?" asked Monika.

"Just as far as before, maybe even further this time." She paused to collect her thoughts. "I was dying and then I saw him, the boy from before. Then everything became unbearably bright."

They sat there for a few more moments. Monika did not disturb the silence. At last Sayori spoke. "Again, I felt as if I had known him my entire life, but I do not know who he is. His face looked so familiar, but I have never seen him before." She paused again, and curled her legs up to her chest. "What does it mean?"

Monika was silent for a little while longer. "Sayori, I think it was all just a bad dream."

Sayori shook her head. "This was far too real and specific to be a dream."

"You're probably just stressed, or maybe your depression is doing that to you. Are you okay, Sayori?"

"Of course I'm not okay. I've never been okay, especially since I've started having these… nightmares. If I can even call them that. But I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"You're not okay, but you're fine? Sayori, I'm here for you. Yuri and Natsuki are also here if you want to talk to them. It's not that we constantly worry about you, it's just that we care about you."

Sayori didn't turn around. "I still don't think it was just a dream," she said eager to change the subject.

"What else could it have been?"

"I don't think my subconcious mind is creative enough, even in my worst days, to come up with something like that. Plus, how would it have even happened? I have never been hanged before or even choked. How could I just invent something so powerful if I had never experienced it? And why would something so specific keep coming back? It seemed so _real_ as if that actually happened to me." She reached up and felt her unbruised neck.

"Sayori. That never happened to you."

She turned back to face Monika. "You don't know that. What if my memory of the event were somehow erased? What if a version of me from another universe died like that? What if this is a vision of the future? What if I'm the reincarnation of someone completely different who died like that?"

"Even if your memory could be erased, the violence would leave physical scars. And I don't believe in any type of reincarnation, but even if it were real, how would the memories of a previous life even be transferred?"

"I don't know, and you do not know enough about the nature of this universe either. We do not know anything about reality in and of itself, so we cannot rule anything out." She shook her head. "All I know is that I have these experiences which are completely different from any normal dream or hallucination, and I cannot explain them. I'm not saying that there is some crazy explanation out there; I'm just saying that I'm too old to believe that I know anything for certain."

Sayori rose from the bed and walked over to her small closet. She took out a pair of sweatpants and a light jacket. She wore a nightshirt and pajama pants, and she simply slipped her warmer clothes over her nightclothes.

"Where are you going?" asked Monika.

"I don't know yet. To take a walk, I guess. Maybe find a place to clear my head."

"Sayori it's," she checked the alarm clock, "Not even five in the morning. And we have almost five hours before our first classes."

"I cannot sleep," she said; then she slipped on her boots, gently opened the door, and stepped outside.

Monika was tempted to just go back to sleep, but she could not abandon her friend. She looked around and saw that Sayori had left her phone on her nightstand as well. Monika did not know where she would be heading and it was usually not a good idea to wander around at night without a group or at least a phone, so Monika got up and hurriedly dressed herself in warmer clothes before rushing out. At this hour, the dormitory's fluorescent lights cast sleepy light throughout the empty hallway. Monika heard a door open as if someone was taking the stairs. Monika ran to catch up with Sayori, and they met up in the lobby area of the building.

"What are you doing?" asked Sayori.

"Just thought I'd join you," Monika said smiling back. "Is that okay?"

"If you want to come," she said with a shrug. They walked together out of the building. The early morning sky was still dark although they knew that the sun would be rising soon. Monika looked around the campus scenery. Streetlights shone on the large dorm and class buildings that surrounded them on either side while grassy quads and small gardens separated the buildings giving the whole area a strange nocturnal aura of both urban and pastoral elements. Sayori didn't look at the scenery but continued walking, head down, eyes examining the sidewalk cracks. Monika followed.

The cool nighttime air was mixed with the smell of the distant ocean, the result of their campus being on an island. This island was the largest in a series of keys far off the coast of California known as the Puerto Pulsos archipelago. These islands were similar to the Hawaiian islands and they often served as a halfway point between Hawaii or distant Asia and the North American continent. Sayori kept walking until she reached a quad on the opposite side of campus. This grassy area was large and had a series of palm trees trimming the edges. Sayori walked up to the base of one and sat down, back to the bark. Monika sat at the base of the palm tree directly in front of Sayori, facing her. They sat like that for a few moments.

Sayori took a few deep breaths, then seemed to finally relax. She rested her head against the bark of the tree as she looked up into the night sky. There were still stars out, but she could see the eerie pale glow in the distance that signaled the morning's coming.

"Look, Sayori," said Monika after a while, "whatever this is, you will get through it, just like you did back in high school."

Sayori shook her head, "I never 'got through it' and you know it."

"You're right. But you can't deny that for a while things were better. I mean, it was almost a year ago exactly that we began to know each other, remember? Back when we met Yuri and Natsuki?"

"No, they only liked me for who they thought I was," Sayori said. She turned her head to face the ground and started absentmindedly playing with a pinch of the sandy palm soil.

"You know that's not true," said Monika, "Remember how great that was? We were finally able to start a literature club, and I mean, yeah, it had only four people, but it was nice hanging out together after school. And I know you enjoyed it. I remember the look on your face when you found out that all of us planned to go to the same college. Remember? You said that we could continue the group and not just forget about each other. You said that you had finally found friends."

Sayori remained silent, but she looked up at Monika and gave an almost invisible smile. She then tilted her head back against the tree and closed her eyes as if resting. She seemed, at least for a moment, to be at peace.

"What are you doing?" asked Monika.

Sayori shrugged with her eyes closed. "I'm just going to meditate or something. You can as well, it often helps."

Monika knew that her friend would often use the soothing natural environment and meditation to clear her mind, although Monika herself wasn't too on board with it. Monika preferred things like music or writing to clear her mind, but Monika was glad that Sayori had found a safe outlet to let her feelings seep out. Sayori's depression would come and go. At worst, it would leave her completely without the will to even eat and too scared to talk to even her friends. Back in high school, Sayori used to cover it up with a facade of happiness, but by the time they were about to graduate, the facade had crumbled. Eventually Sayori seemed to accept it and make it through the darkness. They had gotten through it, or so Monika had thought.

She looked over at Sayori who sat cross legged while breathing steadily. Her lips were moving slightly as if in wordless speech. Monika began to imitate Sayori. She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind as well.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: I've noticed other fanfics leaving these types of notes, so I thought I would as well. This story starts out slow, or rather it gets its plot from slice of life style happenings rather than adventure. I do not know how long it will last as I like it when stories set up 'normal life' scenarios. If you like this direction, or not, please let me know. I am still trying to figure out this whole 'writing' thing. (this message may be deleted when the story gets bigger as this is just intro for new readers)**_


	2. Ch 2: The Cadence of Life

Ch. 2: The Cadence of Life

The smell of fresh tea filled the air in the small dorm room. Yuri was in her zone. She flipped through the pages of her books and jotted down note after note. With the elegance and grace of a pianist playing she navigated through the difficult text in front of her. This was what she did. Every note she wrote was like a note played. Every page turned, a sheet of music cast away. Her pen like a conductor's baton twisted in elegant cursive strokes.

Can't track three majors, they said. Can't handle junior or senior level seminars as a first-year, they said. Can't take more than five classes at a time, they said. Will be overloaded with work and not have time for recreation, they said. Well guess what? They also said that she couldn't bring her ornate six inch knife to her dorm either, but that hadn't stopped her from slipping her massive blade into an out of the way, easily forgotten about, compartment on her backpack.

In front of her was a library copy of Spinoza's _Ethics_ , one of the most difficult to understand philosophy texts of all time, and yet, for Yuri, she couldn't be happier. Her mind grasped and measured each proof, her left hand making a long chain of notes. She took a sip of tea. Logic had its own rhythm, its own beauty. This wordless song played loud and clear in her head. The semester had not begun that long ago, and yet she was already thinking about what to do for her mid-term paper. Perhaps she could compare the 17th century _Treatise on the Emendation of the Intellect_ with the ethics outlined in the medieval philosopher Boethius' _Consolation of Philosophy_. Most professors would appreciate the effort put in if she combined knowledge from multiple courses into one paper for a single class. After all, this is what she enjoyed doing. Knowledge was not something to be obtained and scrutinized in a vacuum; it was a constantly undulating wave function, always crossing or combining with others to produce and end product of true and unpredictable beauty.

"Earth to Yuri!" shouted a loud, annoying voice, "Come on egghead let's go!"

"Huh? What?" Yuri snappend out of the realm of logic and back to the human world. She looked around her dorm room and saw a clock that read twelve minutes after ten in the morning. She looked in the direction of the voice and saw her roomate Natsuki staring at her, a mildly annoyed but playful expression on her face. Natsuki's hair was cut short as it always was, and she wore sweatpants and a light coat.

"Come on, it's time to go to class," she said giving Yuri a playful shove with her short arms.

"I- I didn't even realize the time," Yuri said while she stuffed all of her books into her bag. She picked up her cup and in a single sip finished the rest of the tea. She walked over to the sink and placed the cup inside to clean later, then slipped on her turtleneck sweater and a heavier coat. Natsuki was standing by the door when she finished and they walked out together.

They were both headed towards their ten-thirty classes. Every day they would wake up at around the same time and make breakfast with tea. While eating breakfast Yuri would normally catch up on reading stuff for her classes while Natsuki would read manga or draw. Then they would head out together. They enjoyed this daily ritual.

"Dude, you didn't realize the time?" asked Natsuki as they walked out of their dorm building and into the crisp morning air.

"Oh-uh, sorry. I was just studying. I find that my mind is able to work better in the morning after having tea as I'm wide awake."

"Still, you were really into it. How can you read all that boring stuff anyway?"

"It's not boring," protested Yuri, "I find it fascinating."

"Yeah, whatever. I still don't get how you can take so many classes."

"Well, I don't find philosophy or writing to be that hard. I mean, it's interesting, so it comes easily to me. Plus, if I were in your classes I'd probably struggle in turn."

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Natsuki, "You can take hours just to draw one portrait."

"Best to make it perfect than to rush."

"You're right," she said, "But in all seriousness, you may not be nearly as fast as I am, but you can still draw pretty decently."

"Was that a compliment coming from you?" asked Yuri in a slightly playful tone.

"Was that a joke coming from you?" Natsuki gave a small laugh. "Seriously though, remember that time you drew my portrait?"

"D-don't talk about the portrait!"

"Hey! You may have made my arms way too muscular, but it wasn't _that_ bad."

Yuri looked away. "Still," she said, "Some people are just better at certain things than others."

"Yeah, I guess," agreed Natsuki. They walked along. Yuri was attempting to go for a writing, philosophy, and history major all at once. The sheer amount of reading and writing would have easily overwhelmed Natsuki, but Yuri seemed to be able to handle it just fine. Meanwhile Natsuki was pursuing a major in design with a minor in art. While drawing came easily to her, she usually ended up staying awake late as well to work on her projects or just draw for fun.

As they walked along, the sun was shining and crowds of people walked from building to building. Natsuki noticed that the gaze of most passing males would linger in their, specifically Yuri's, direction, and yet Yuri remained oblivious to how much attention she drew. Natsuki was well aware of just how attractive men found her friend to be, and this was despite the fact that Yuri very rarely wore revealing clothing at all. Occasionally guys would make advances on Yuri, but due to her overall shyness things never went anywhere.

"It's not that cold," remarked Natsuki, "why are you dressed so heavily?"

"Oh-uh, it sometimes gets cold in the classrooms," she said.

"Eh, suit yourself." They kept walking. They approached the campus art complex where Natsuki had classes. "It's only Wednesday; can't wait for Friday."

"What's on Friday?" asked Yuri puzzled.

Natsuki gave Yuri a light punch.

"Ow! What was that for?" complained Yuri, "You're stronger than you look."

"You forgot? Friday is your birthday! You're turning twenty! We planned to go out, remember?"

"Y-you're right, I'm sorry."

"I can't believe you forgot your own birthday! But still, this is going to be great! You have class with Sayori and Monika right?" asked Natsuki.

"Yeah, I have Early Modern Philosophy with Sayori and Creative Writing with Monika, why?"

"Good. Make sure to hound them. I want the whole group to go since we never get to spend time together as a group."

"Can't you just text them in the group chat?"

"Well duh! But since you see them in person it's your job to make sure that they never forget it."

"So you volunteer me to make sure that everyone knows that its my birthday?"

"Well considering that you _forgot your own birthday_ , I remind you, and you remind everyone else! See? Everything works out."

"I guess," Yuri said as they walked up to the front of the building, "Anyway see you later."

"See you later birthday girl," Natsuki said as she walked into the building.

"Hey! Don't call me that," she said, but Natsuki was already gone.


	3. Ch 3: No Rain

Ch. 3: No Rain

Yuri checked the time on her phone, then started walking to class. With the bright sun out, the early morning was heating up, but despite her layers, Yuri didn't mind it. In the quad that she passed, the trees were spring-green and squirrels chased each other up and down their trunks while a large and lazy cat watched them. There was not a cloud in the sky. She passed this all, as she did every other day, on her way to class.

Yuri arrived a few minutes early. The room was small and shaped like a semicircular auditorium with large tables on elevated levels acting as desks. Yuri spotted Sayori sitting alone at the end of one of the tables. Sayori was resting her head in her arms on the table. Her head was facing the wall and she was listening to music on earbuds connected to her phone. Yuri walked up and sat next to her as she always did.

Sayori would always sit next to the wall for that she would not have people pressing against her from either side. Yuri would be the only one to sit next to her, in part because she wanted to be away from everyone else as well. Yuri had actually convinced Sayori to take the class, Early Modern Philosophy, with her. They were both enrolled in the same intro to philosophy class last semester, and after the course was over Sayori had left with a considerable interest in the subject matter, an interest which was only reinforced by long conversations that the two friends had. Yuri was happy that she had finally found someone that she could talk about these topics with. Yuri did not find the class to be particularly difficult, but she could tell that Sayori would sometimes have trouble understanding some of the readings and concepts. As a result, they would often spend time outside of class going over the material. In all, it was a mutually beneficial trade. Yuri had finally found someone else who showed interested in philosophy so that she could obsess over it with another person, and Sayori had a tutor so that she would not have to worry about getting lost or confused.

Yuri leaned over and tapped Sayori's shoulder. She didn't respond, so Yuri wiggled her shoulder a little harder. Sayori slowly lifted up her head and rubbed her slightly reddish eyes.

"Huh?" she said slightly confused, "Oh hey Yuri." Sayori then took off her earbuds and turned off the music coming from her phone. When she went to turn it off, Yuri could see that she had been listening to "No Rain" by Blind Melon.

Yuri smiled slightly, "Hey Sayori, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine." Sayori yawned and stretched slightly. Yuri noticed that Sayori's hair was messy and that she smelled a bit like the outdoors, it wasn't bad, in fact it was barely noticeable, but it was still unusual.

"Did you, um, get enough sleep?" Yuri asked.

"I'm not that tired," Sayori said, clearly not in the mood to talk about it.

"Oh, um, okay then," Yuri said looking away. She reached into her bag to pull out her books.

"Oh hey Yuri," said Sayori.

"Yeah?"

"Are we still going out friday?"

"Oh! Yeah, of course," Yuri said, "Or at least I think so. Monika said she wanted to surprise me, and I don't think she canceled. Um, did she?"

"No, of course not," Sayori said, "I just asked because you're always busy even on fridays, and I think this will be a perfect opportunity to spend time as a group."

"Huh, strange. Natsuki said the same thing."

"Really? She must be looking forward to it. I mean, of course she is, she's Natsuki."

Yuri laughed a bit at the completely accurate description, "Yeah, in fact she told me to make sure that you and Monika are going."

"Heh, she seems more excited about this than you are, and it's your birthday!"

"Yeah, I guess she is."

"Why is that?" Sayori asked.

"Why is what?"

"I don't know. You just seem like you are not too excited about your own birthday."

"It's not that," Yuri protested, "I just, I don't know, it's not that big a deal."

"Not that big a deal? You're turning twenty! Come on, that's got to mean something to you."

"Yeah, I know. It's just that," Yuri hesitated a bit, "I'm not too big on celebrations, that's all. Especially when it involves me."

"Alright, alright, I'm sure it will be just like a regular get together with friends. Except with presents. And cake. And maybe balloons. And cake. And more cake. Lots of cake." Sayori all of the sudden seemed to develop a ravenous look, but it was gone in a second. "Hehe, yeah."

Yuri rolled her eyes and smiled. "Anyway," she said eager to change the subject, "did you do the reading for today?"

"Oh, yeah, but I didn't quite get it," she said nervously putting the tips of her index fingers together.

"It wasn't _that_ bad."

"Yeah, maybe not for you."

"But seriously, I can help you if you need it," said Yuri, "Maybe we can study some time this week."

Sayori smiled a little, "You will not use this to get out of your birthday!"

"Hey! I'm not _that_ antisocial."

"If you insist, heh."

"But really, what about tomorrow evening or night?" asked Yuri "You can come over to my place and we can go over the material. I mean, if you want to. Our first exam is coming up."

"Uh, yeah. That sounds good. I'll text you if anything comes up, but I should be free. Would Natsuki be over? You don't think she would mind?"

"She probably will be over, but she doesn't mind noise. Not that we're that noisy to begin with."

"Oh, okay. Just making sure," said Sayori quickly.

"She does most of her projects in the art studio anyway, and even if she needs to go to sleep early or something, we can always just go to the library. Anyway, you said that you didn't get the reading? What part of it?"

"All of it."

"Come on, I'm serious."

"It's just that it's written in a really stupid manner and what the heck is a 'mode' anyway!"

"Aren't all the philosophical terms defined on the first page?"

"Those definitions are stupid as well!"

Yuri laughed, "Okay okay, if it still makes no sense tomorrow, we can go over it then."

"Nothing makes sense anymore," she said under her breath.

"What?"

"Oh, um, nothing," Sayori said as she opened up her books, pretending to review the material.

"Oh, um, okay then."

Yuri looked at the clock. She opened her notebook and began drawing to pass the time as they waited for the professor to arrive. After a few minutes class finally started. With Yuri's mind absorbed in the lecture, she completely forgot about her conversation with Sayori and their upcoming plans. It was only much later, after class had already let out and she had already parted ways with Sayori, that Yuri noticed something odd about their conversation.

Sayori had smelled a bit like she had been outside. This by itself wasn't too much of a concern as Sayori would often spend time off campus in order to try to get closer to nature. She claimed that the overall atmosphere helped calm her so that she could get more in touch with her 'spiritual self.' Whatever she meant by that. Yuri did not enjoy the sweat and grime of outside, for her, scented oils would do just fine, but Sayori wasn't too big on this method. Whenever Sayori came over to Yuri's dorm, she would normally put out her oils for Sayori's convenience. Everyone has their own methods to deal with the stress and uncertainties that come up in this world. Ironic really, uncertainties stem from things that one doesn't understand, and so we have ways to either figure them out or just to cope with them, and when we cannot cope, we can only hide, looking for an escape. The irony is that we can never understand the greatest uncertainties of all. Here, we are left with just coping. Perhaps this is why some people are not sane, they cannot find a way to cope and can only hide their true selves.


	4. Ch 4: Poetry and Dreams

Ch. 4: Poetry and Dreams

Yuri walked into her Creative Writing class early and saw Monika sitting in her normal seat.

"Hey Yuri," said Monika with a slight smile.

"Hey," Yuri said back as she sat at the desk next to Monika's. "Natsuki wanted me to make sure that you're still coming on friday."

Monika rolled her eyes, "Typical Natsuki. She probably wants to make sure we're going to go eat somewhere good so that she can gain weight."

"Gain? Don't you mean lose?"

"Lose weight? For Natsuki?" Monika laughed a little. "She can't afford to lose any! But yeah, she was telling me how she wants to eat at a good restaurant despite, of course, the fact that it's not even her birthday and so she doesn't get to pick, heh, but anyway, she just said that she wants to eat at a place with food that has a lot of protein."

"Protein?"

"Didn't she tell you? Aren't you roomates?"

"Well, yeah, but she never said- actually now that you mention it I've noticed that a few days ago she bought some type of milkshake powder. I didn't ask though."

"Yeah, she told me a few days ago that she was trying to start working out. When I said gain weight, I meant in muscle. Anyway, she wanted tips on how to train and things like that, even though upper body strength isn't really my area of expertise"

"Oh. Why did she tell you?" asked Yuri puzzled.

"Well considering that I run and do yoga regularly, I'm probably a better person to ask then, say, someone like you."

"Oh." Yuri looked down at her notebook.

"Hey, I'm joking," said Monika with a smile, "But for real, you should come work out with me?

"Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why? Better than sitting indoors all the time. Come on, we can go running on the beach sometime; I'll be fun."

"I don't like running I have, er, um, I have um a- bad running posture."

"What? Bad running-" Monika burst out laughing. "You're killing me Yuri, hehe."

"Hey-"

"But seriously, if you don't want to do that you can at least come to yoga with me. It's really relaxing."

"I don't like yoga, plus I have scented oil to relax," said Yuri, slightly annoyed.

"You and your scented oils, but anyway, why not?"

"My head, body, and the ground should always be at a ninety degree angle. Sitting on the ground and twisting into a pretzel doesn't sound like fun."

"You literally wearing yoga pants!"

"They're comfortable!"

"Alright, alright, suit yourself. But still, I'm going to find something that we can do together. One day."

Yuri rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you will. Anyway, have you finished your poem?"

"Oh yeah! I finally finished it last night, or rather, it's not that long, but it took me a while to get right because of the spacing and all."

"What did you do yours on?"

"Well, you know how the assignment said to take a dream and use it as inspiration for a poem?" said Monika, "Well, that's what I did of course, but you know how dreams are. Just trying to remember them is challenging. But the one I based this one off of was- well, you know what? Can I just show it to you?"

Yuri's face lit up. "Yes! And then I can show you mine, just like old times!"

"Ahehe, I'm glad you're eager to share. I remember when getting you to share was like getting Natsuki to read a real book."

"Hey! Manga is literature," protested Yuri.

"Don't tell me she's got you hooked on that crap now?"

"I'm halfway finished with _Parfait Girls_ and it's really good. You should try it. It starts out like a regular girly manga, but then it- well, I guess I shouldn't spoil it."

"How did she even convince you to read it in the first place?"

"Well, we made a deal. I read one manga series and she reads _The Portrait of Markov_."

"And how did that go?"

"Well, um, we made this deal a few months ago and she is, well, about a quarter of the way in. I think she forgot about it."

"And how much manga have you read?"

"Well _Parfait Girls_ was not my first. I started with _Fullmetal Alchemist_ since that looked less, you know, girly, and then I read-"

"You know what," said Monika with a sigh, "I really don't want to know how much manga you've read."

"Heh, alright."

"An-y-way, do you mind looking over my poem?"

"No problem."

Monika passed a sheet of paper over to Yuri.

* * *

Hunger

Hands reaching out of a shadowy abyss

Dark, black hands pull down

Long shadowy arms wrap around

A monolith pushed aside

An eye in the abyss

Then the truth is seen

Giant squid pulling down

Losing air, the brain's irregular pattern

Images flash-

Your mom

A starry night

Your first date

Driving on the interstate through Texas

A stone tablet pushed aside

An eye in the abyss

The Truth is seen

The birth of stars out of the primordial abyss

Standing in a museum you've never been to

Interstate lines from the sky, cars like ants

JFK smiling right before the bullet pierced his brain

A man in purple robes standing on a podium above an arena

Two bearded men in togas debating on an ancient portico

A small band of hunters throwing spears at a woolly mammoth

Darkness

Sudden death.

Oak trees in the early morning air

* * *

"Wow, you're getting good at this- er, I mean, you were always good, but I mean, this is more of my own personal taste."

"I thought you'd like it. It took a while. I kept trying to find the right word usage to set the right tone. Then there is the overall spacing and layout. I ended up deciding on a simple series of short images rapidly flashing to give the overall effect, and I used the periods and breaks to do that. The way I read it is line by line. Each line is supposed to invoke an image and each image adds to the overall progression of events, or at least that's what I intended to do. I'm the author so it may be obvious to me but confusing to everyone else."

"Also, your poem says 'debating on an ancient portico.'"

"Yeah, and?"

"Shouldn't it be 'in' a portico?"

"What do you mean?" asked Monika confused.

"Isn't a portico like that ancient greek structure thing with some type of roof?"

Monika thought about it. "Yeah, you're right. I should probably change it. I meant like, on a stone platform with the greek style architecture all around."

"I think I'm starting to see the meaning, but I know with poetry it's better not to ask for the intentions when writing, but rather to try to see it for yourself. You said this was a dream?"

"Well not really. I kinda based it off of a dream though. I've been having weird dreams lately?"

"Like what?"

"Well, um, I'll tell you later," said Monika carefully avoiding the subject, "It takes a while to explain. Anyway, do you want me to read yours now?"

"Sure!" Yuri pulled out a sheet of paper and passed it over to Monika along with Monika's poem.

* * *

Watchmaker

Tenebrous, twilight evening

In the black SUV

A girl sits with her mother

They sit in the backseat

With a younger sister- Less than a year old. Newborn.

I look out. I was there.

I held the magazine clipping

The sixth of September

She read slowly, pointing

Two Thousand and One

A young girl on a Pepsi ad

A grey Ford pickup truck

An outdoor picnic setting

Mom holds my hand. She's not me

I glance down. An alarm clock,

On the page reads 3:00

I am here in this body

Why exist at all? Why me?

Why not be something else?

Now I look down at the clock.

I am not the clock.

I am not mom or dad.

I am only me. Finite.

Why? Does one choose these things?

Or is it accidental?

If I were something else

I would not really be me.

I would not even be asking these questions.

* * *

"Huh," said Monika at last, "I guess I should be thankful that this is not as abstract as some of your poem. I actually feel like this one builds a coherent picture."

"Um, thanks, I guess."

"You dreamt this? It seems to read more like some type of very early memory."

"Well, it's kinda both," said Yuri, scratching her nails and looking away.

"Both?"

"Well, I have this memory from when I was really young that looks something like this, or at least I think it's a memory. For all I know it could be the memory of a dream, or even something that my mind completely made up."

"You mean you don't know if this is real or not?"

"Well, here's the weird part. Not too long ago, I had a dream about this exact same incident, and so I thought that it was completely fictitious. But the dream stuck with me and later on that day I realized that I had experienced it before. Now it could be deja vu, but I remember thinking about and remembering such an event before."

"So wait. It's a dream, that you have a memory of remembering before you had the dream?"

"Something like that, yes. It's probably just my mind playing tricks on me. It's strange really what the subconcious can do. Everything we are is filtered through it, and yet it is a completely other person."

"Okay, but is it even possible for this to be real? I mean, do you have any memories going back to, what date did you mention?"

"Two thousand and one?"

"Yeah, and do you even remember your real parents?"

"Well, the month and day was at least partially made up, but in the dream the newspaper said it was two thousand and one. As to my parents…" Yuri closed her eyes in thought. "As you know, I was adopted at a very young age. All I remember of my birth parents are a few brief flashes, but then nothing. I have practically no memory of before I was seven or eight, and even then it's choppy at best. So all of my childhood memories are with my adopted parents."

"But in your poem, the girl has a baby sister. Do you know if you have any siblings?"

"Um, well, I don't really know. Can we stop talking about this?"

Monika could tell that her prying questions were making Yuri uncomfortable. "Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean for this to get personal."

"That's okay. You were just asking questions," said Yuri. Monika handed back her poem and Yuri looked over it. Minutes passed and finally class started. It wasn't until much later after class that Yuri realized that she had missed her chance to ask Monika about Sayori.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note: If you don't mind, how is this story going so far? Is there anything that's working well or that seems off? If there are any major problems or things you want me to touch on, please let me know._**

 ** _And thank you to everyone who is reading this._**


	5. Ch 5: Elyssa

Ch. 5: E̋̍̓lͥyͯ͛̑͐ͧ̓͡sͬs̒͜ȧ͋͑̀͟ ̋̆̓̓ͫ

Music played in the background. A large semicircle arc. A few brushes of shading. No color at the moment, just pencil and paper. Diagonal lines, and a few smaller arcs to add the background scenery. The characters stood ready on a sheet of paper. Meanwhile, in the background, the scenery came together. Like a cathedral covered in scaffolding, her work slowly became clear.

No, something wasn't right. Natsuki scanned the page. Something was missing. She looked at the center of the page. Five characters stood in the center. Four girls and one boy, all in high school, smiling as if waiting for a picture to be taken. They looked fine, but something was off about the background. Perhaps it was the positioning? Maybe. She was trying to draw the five characters in a high school setting. The school building was supposed to be in the background, and while it wasn't very important in its own right, Natsuki knew that the shape and positioning of the background would greatly affect an artist's work.

She looked over the paper. Usually there would be no problem. After all, she drew all the time and knew how to incorporate the background around vanishing points in order to give her drawing depth and inner space. Wait, perhaps it was the ratios. She pulled out her ruler and measured the height of one of her characters, then measured the edge of the page. Sure enough, the ratios of height to border were slightly off. Natsuki slapped the side of her forehead in frustration.

It was a subtle, almost imperceptible flaw. Most people wouldn't care, but then again most people paid no attention to any type of spatial detail whatsoever. Even other art and design majors who loved to draw almost as much as she did could often not tell when something was spatially off.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Natsuki turned to face the voice. It came from a girl about her age, or perhaps a little younger. She was rather tall, but not quite as tall as Yuri, and had light hazel eyes in contrast with her long blond hair, its ends dyed in blue highlights. "Oh, I just oofed our art project up," said Natsuki, "no biggie!"

"What did you do?" the girl asked.

"Just come see, Elyssa," said Natsuki a bit sourly as she turned off her playlist.

Elyssa rolled over on her swivel desk chair. "What up?" she asked looking at it in confusion.

"Just look at it. What do you see that's wrong?"

Elyssa stared at it. "I don't see anything," she said, "I'm working on a scene from the second story arc, so I really have no idea what you're going for besides the fact that you said you were doing the park scene."

Natsuki sighed, "I messed up the ratios. Just look at the height of Minori compared to the height of Alice."

"They look fine. Isn't Minori supposed to be rather average height while Alice is relatively tall?"

"Yeah, I was able to make them proportional, but then notice how much background space there is? It's almost as if the entire focus of the drawing shifts from the characters to the park in the background."

Elyssa thought about it. "Is that really so bad though?"

"Yes! I know it's the park scene, but the park is not the most important part. The important part is that this is the part where their friendship really starts to grow, and the seeds of romance are sowed between the main character and Minori. The whole point is not the park at all, but the concrescence of the characters and their feelings with the park itself as only a catalyst!"

"Woah, woah, slow down. Catalyst? Concrescence? Have you been reading a thesaurus or trying to use the fanciest words possible or something? I don't even know what the hell 'concrescence' means!"

"Uggh! I guess I've been spending too much time with Yuri. We are roommates after all, so she must have somehow rubbed off on me."

"Heh, didn't you say that she was trying to get you to read some book and you wanted to get her into manga?"

"Uh, yeah. That didn't work too well though." Natsuki laughed a bit.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, I'm just saying that she wanted me to read a book called _Portrait of Markov_ and I've barely touched it, but I guess it's fair. After all, I tried to get her into manga, and while she was willing to read a little, I doubt she'll ever pick up _Parfait Girls_."

"Aww, she would like it. Especially once it gets into the second arc."

"I tried telling her that it has horror elements as well, but she doesn't seem to buy it."

"Was she willing to read anything else?" asked Elyssa, "The local library has the entire first three arcs of _Pokemon Adventures_."

"I don't know. I know she loved the old _Pokemon Platinum_ and _SoulSilver_ games, so maybe."

"Worth a try. That would be great if we could fangirl about it together, ahaha." Elyssa smiled awkwardly.

"Yeah. Anyway." Natsuki slapped the paper. "I still need to figure out what to do with this."

"What was your goal for it? Like, spatially-wise?"

"So, I wanted to arrange the characters in such a way that it hints at the beginnings of romantic affection while still being fairly innocent and normal, and I think I got that down pact."

"Yeah, their body language and posture looks great."

"But notice how much of this is empty space? Well, I guess not empty, we can see details of the park, or at least you would more so if I continued on this route. But the deal is that the more attention is paid to random trees and lampposts and shit, the less is focused on the characters."

"Hmmm. I see what you mean."

They looked at it for a while. "Got any ideas?" asked Natsuki.

"Well, could you add a border?"

"I was thinking about it. Maybe I could add one in such a way as to make it look like a picture hanging on a wall. The only problem is that to do that would require much more space than I currently have. If I shave off enough of the park to make a, say, one inch border, then there would be almost no room for any of the park at all. It would be like a close up on the characters which would exclude the park entirely. Basically it would defeat the purpose."

"Yeah, you're right," agreed Elyssa "If you could shave off an inch from the top, that should be great, but to do that on all sides would drastically decrease the picture's overall volume." She thought about it some more. "What if you could make, like a one centimeter border? The ratio of border to park would shave off most of the empty space while still leaving the focus on the characters intact."

"That _could_ work," said Natsuki skeptically, "but I can't think of any picture frames that are only one centimeter thick."

"Who says it has to be a picture frame? Just make it like the picture of one of those old-style cameras that prints out it's picture with a slight background."

"Oh, oh, I think I see what you mean!" Natsuki pulled out her phone and googled 'old camera that prints out pictures.' The browser came up with links to Amazon and Ebay where she could buy an old Polaroid camera. Natsuki then googled 'polaroid picture' in images and looked at the results.

"Yeah, that's what I meant," said Elyssa, "Notice how the photo has a thin white border in a distinctive shape. If you do that, you could shave off the extra space while still keeping the dimensions of the paper intact."

"That's great! Thanks," she said as she high fived Elyssa.

"No problem. Now if you'll excuse me..." Elyssa pushed off against Natsuki's desk and went spinning across the studio floor, almost crashing into her own desk. Natsuki laughed and put on her playlist which consisted of a Frankenstein monster hybrid of game themes, anime intro songs, and 80's rock albums. Natsuki went back to drawing as 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' by Tears for Fears came on.


	6. Ch 6: What Reality is Really Made Of

Ch. 6: What Reality is Really Made Of

Natsuki added a few more strokes to give the picture its final details, then sat back, admiring her work. She turned to Elyssa who sat across the room. "So what do you think?"

Elyssa looked up and rolled her chair over. "Looks great, you're finished?"

"I think so. I mean, it's just the right size and all, but if I have any more ideas, I'll add them."

"It may not be a good idea to add anymore," said Elyssa, "I mean, you already put this much effort into it and adding anything else could off-balance the overall drawing."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too," said Natsuki, "Anyway, what about you? Are you done?"

"Yeah, want to come see?"

"Sure," she said. Natsuki got up from her chair and stretched. After hours of intense focus, her short limbs were stiff. She walked over to Elyssa's drawing station. It took her a few seconds to make sense of what she was seeing at first, but gradually she recognized it as a scene from the second arc of _Parfait Girls_.

At the bottom left hand corner of the large sheet of paper was a girl with long dark hair standing on the bow of an ancient wooden ship. The ship was at rest, but the ocean around the ship seemed to be lined with thin trails of crimson blood. Looking closely, the blood appeared to coalesce into a string of letters. They read, "Quid est deus?" The girl seemed to be looking up at the night sky, but there was something deeply unsettling and unnatural about it. There were seven comets falling towards the distant horizon, but no stars or moon. In the middle of the sky, taking up most of the room, there seemed to be some type of hole, like a portal to another dimension. Inside this massive hole was a wheel. The wheel had the sparkling appearance of golden chrysolite and appeared to have three smaller wheels inside of itself. Each smaller wheel appeared to be rotating on a different axle, some facing out, some facing to the side, giving the overall appearance of a three-dimensional spherical structure behaving as if it were a two dimensional wheel. The rims of each wheel consisted of human eyes all around, looking out at every direction. These wheels fit together inside the larger wheel like clockwork.

"Ooooh," said Natsuki, "You're drawing that scene from one of Alice's dreams."

"Yeah," said Elyssa, "That's really one of my favorite images in the whole manga. Do you think I captured the overall feel of the scene? Like, I used very light shading, but I tried to spread it out to give an overall dark atmosphere."

"Here, let me see the original," she said picking up the open manga to compare. "Hmmm, you got it pretty much right."

"Oh," said Elyssa, "I guess there is a lot going on." She looked away shyly.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that. It looks just like the picture, but I'm really not the best to judge these huge landscape images."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying that I work best when there are characters involved," said Natsuki, "Like, when you can see the emotions of two characters playing off of each other. For instance, think of the kiss scene. You can see the tension, the love, but also fear that each feels and it seems to be reflected between them. Or think of an action scene in which you can see the animalistic emotions of each combatant contrasting their tactical and survival-oriented gazes. I work best when analyzing emotions like that. The problem is that when I see a scene with mostly landscape or with only one character, it may be hard to judge, at least for me."

"Oh okay, I see," said Elyssa, "So you're saying that it's a good drawing of the scene on a larger scale, but because it is not human, you can't really judge the subtleties?"

"Yeah, that's basically it. Sorry I can't help you anymore."

"That's okay."

"Hey wait a minute," said Natsuki thinking aloud.

"Yeah?"

"I was just thinking, Yuri likes crazy, dark and mysterious things like that. Maybe I can get her to look at it. I mean, she hasn't read _Parfait Girls_ , so she wouldn't know the context of the scene, but I can see what she thinks about the overall feel of it."

"If you could, that would be really helpful. I just want to make sure our scenes are perfect before we finish the whole art project," said Elyssa.

"Yeah, same." Natsuki checked her phone for the time. "I'm hungry. Wanna go get dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," said Elyssa.

Natsuki walked back to her chair and began to gather up her things. She, like most artists, left her work out for that she wouldn't have to fold it and mess it all up.

"Hey Natsuki," said Elyssa.

"Yeah?"

"I left my bag one building over back in the physics department."

"Oh okay, we can go get it. It doesn't close early, does it?" asked Natsuki picking up her backpack.

"No, but I can go get it by myself."

"That's okay, we can walk together. It's not that far out of the way."

They both walked out of the art studio and down the hall. The physics department was located one building over, so they both were headed towards the elevators. Looking out the windows, they could see the sun setting. As the city that they lived in was located on an island, they could see the distant ocean and beach. As the sun set, the horizon and Pacific ocean were set ablaze in amber light. They reached the elevators and rode to the ground floor.

"So Elyssa," asked Natsuki as they rode down.

"Yeah?"

"You know, I never did ask you, why are you a physics major anyay?"

"What do you mean? I just like it. I also like drawing, of course, which is why I'm going for a minor in design."

"Yeah, but they're just so… different. I mean, I suck at math so that's probably why I think this, but drawing is just so freeform and expressive while physics is dry and lifeless. I don't know. Maybe I just say this because I hate the required physics course I'm in."

"Well I guess I can see what you mean, but I completely disagree," Elyssa said as they exited the art complex and started walking towards the physics building. "For me, art and physics are just two sides of the same coin."

"How is that even possible?"

"Well just think about it. Physics is mostly based on math, and so by plugging in the observed data into the specific formulas, you can create maps and models of nature. When drawing, I take ideas from life experiences or things that I've read about, and I can recreate them and map those thoughts out on a page. In both, there are specific guidelines that are followed to create a work of beauty."

"How do you follow guidelines when drawing?" asked Natsuki, "It's completely freeform, an expression of yourself."

"Well, when mapping that expression out, you have to pay attention to things like spacing or overall tone. And you want the drawing to convey a certain message. For example, if you want to convey a romantic scene, it's usually not good to use full light or dark tones, but when you want to display anguish or dread, very dark colors are usually best. Then if you don't want your art to look like crap, you have to pay attention to the little details, and over time you develop your own style."

"Okay, but how does that help in physics?"

"Well, we can never know the true nature of Nature in an of itself, but we can make maps and models based off what we observe. Like for instance, instead of throwing a ball and saying that it hit a window hard and broke it, that force and the arc of movement can actually be calculated."

"I have no idea how arcs work, so I'll just take your word for it."

"It's like art," said Elyssa going on, "We have experiences that can be interpreted and mapped out onto a paper. Similarly, we have data that can be interpreted through math to create models of nature. It's great! In fact, even math can be art in itself."

"Ew, math art."

They walked into the physics building. The hall was full of classrooms with adjacent experimental labs. The entire place had a clean and efficient feel. There were some decorations though. There was a display of mirrors as well as a Newton's cradle and pendulum with appropriate signs to explain what they represented. In front of the display was a large, obnoxious sign that read, "Everything (including molecules) is made of quarks, leptons, and force carrier particles."

"Hey what's up with that sign?" asked Natsuki.

"Oh, that? Well, the chemistry department had the audacity to put up a sign saying 'Everything is made of molecules,' so we decided to teach them what reality is _really_ made of."

"Nice," said Natsuki, clearly not amused.

They arrived at the lab, but this one appeared to be very different from an ordinary physics lab. There were rows of tables and stools covered in random bags and backpacks, as if the classroom was not in use, but in the back of the room was a strange piece of machinery that hummed quietly. It appeared to be a large metal tube, about a foot thick, that bent at ninety degree angles to create a rectangle roughly twenty feet long and five feet wide at each end. The rectangle was positioned horizontally towards the ground, but it was supported by a series of metal beams. The entire apparatus was connected to an old computer system.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Natsuki.

"Oh that metal thing?" said Elyssa, "That's just some experiment Dr. Renier set up."

"Really? What does it do?"

"Well, he has this crazy idea that we are all living in some type of computer simulation. That's supposed to be some type of apparatus to detect 'glitches.'"

"Wait, a computer simulation? Like we're in _The Matrix_ or some shit?"

"I guess. Everyone else thinks he's crazy, but somehow he convinced the department to fund his experiment. They put it in this unused lab that we use as a storage room for that no visitors from other respectable schools will ask questions about it."

"Huh," said Natsuki, "Does it work?"

"I'm not sure. He claims that recently he's been detecting more and more aberrations, or at least that's what I've heard. I'm not sure though. Some people think he's been causing it to do that for that he can convince everyone that he's onto something. It's probably nothing."

Elyssa gathered up her things and they walked back outside. When they were halfway to Natsuki's dorm building, Elyssa suddenly stopped.

"Hey Natsuki," she said.

"Yeah?"

"I just remembered that I have a paper that needs to be submitted in a few hours. I really should go work on it. Sorry, but I'll probably be quicker to just eat ramen in my dorm while I work on it. Maybe some other time though."

"On okay, see ya later then," said Natsuki as she watched Elyssa run off. Oh well. As the sun set, she headed back towards her dorm and wondered whether or not she would find Yuri there.


	7. Ch 7: Yuri's Dark Secret

Ch. 7: Yuri's Dark Secret

After Elyssa left, Natsuki made her way back to her dorm. The sun was setting thereby causing the sky to be lit in fiery pink and orange hues. Since they were on an island, she could feel the evening wind blowing in from the ocean, a strong, salty sea breeze. She walked up to the dorm entrance and pulled out her campus I.D. card. For security reasons, the doors were magnetically sealed until a student swiped a correct card in the reader.

The lobby area of the dorm complex was nicely furnished with a series of couches surrounding a ground mat in front of a TV. Several students were sitting there talking, relaxing, and eating ramen- daily evening rituals to relieve the stress of a long week day. Several of them waved to her and she waved back. Natsuki was not exactly a socialite, but she did have many casual acquaintances; it always felt good to run into someone she knew. As such she usually tried to get her roomate Yuri up on the whole 'social skills' thing, but that endeavor rarely turned out successful. She pressed the elevator button and rode up to the third floor before proceeding down the hall to her room. She considered pulling out her key, but decided against it. Yuri would likely be home and would have left it unlocked.

She opened the door to see Yuri sitting cross legged on her bed, casually reading. She wore a white tank top with her usual yoga pants.

"What are you doing?" asked Natsuki, a bit surprised to see Yuri on her bed. After being friends for over a year they were practically sisters, still Yuri didn't usually want to have anything to do with Natsuki's stuff.

Yuri almost jumped up in shock. "Haah! Uh, nothing!" she said rising and walking back over to her side of the room, being careful to conceal what she had been reading.

Natsuki raised an eyebrow. "Whatcha reading?" she said asking the dreaded question.

"Uh, nothing, really," Yuri responded. She carefully sat down on her own bed.

"Whatever," Natsuki said as she looked around the room. It was a medium sized rectangle divided into two sides, each side embodying one of its occupants opposing personalities.

Yuri's bed was neatly made, with soft, exotic sheets and pillows, most colored in either lavender or black. Her desk was neatly ordered with small stacks of paper arranged according to subject matter, a stapler, sticky note cube, and cup that contained her pen collection, each in its place. Next to her desk was a filing cabinet, which she used as a magnetic board, and on top of it was an assortment of oils and an atomizer. Her bookshelf was decided into two sides. On one was a collection of novels such as _To Kill a Mockingbird, Ulysses,_ and _The Great Gatsby_. On the other was a collection of even larger tomes with strange titles such as _Being and Time, Process and Reality, Phenomenology of Spirit,_ and _Critique of Pure Reason_ \- Natsuki doubted that even Yuri could make heads or tails of that last one.

Meanwhile, Natsuki's side was brightly furnished with lots of pink. On her bookshelf next to her protein shake mix was several rows of manga- kept close to ground level, and on the higher shelves were a menagerie of other more 'serious' books which she never intended to read but kept around to look smart and keep Yuri happy. There were not many stuffed animals on her bed that she never bothered to make, but there was a surplus of pillows. Her desk was a disorganized, a highly flammable heap of old drawings and other miscellaneous papers, as well as oil paints, brushes, and colored pencils. The papers were held in place by a small army of clay and wooden statues, all handmade. Buried at the very bottom of this mound was her long lost physics textbook. She carefully scanned her manga collection and noticed that something was off. Specifically, one of the later volumes from the second story arc of _Parfait Girls_ was missing. Natsuki was sure that she hadn't done anything to it.

"Hey Yuri?"

"Huh?"

"Who messed up my manga collection?"

"Er, um, it looks fine to me," said Yuri turning away and blushing slightly.

"Yuri."

"Yeah?" she said refusing to make eye contact.

"Why is one of my manga volumes missing?"

"Oh well, I'm, um, not,-" stuttered Yuri.

"And why are you holding a book behind your back?" asked Natsuki, slightly annoyed and confused.

"I- I- I- no I didn't do-"

"And why are you acting so nervous?" she said getting closer. Yuri tried to back up, but Natsuki put her hand on her bed rail preventing escape.

"And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And…" Inches away from Yuri, Natsuki grinned evilly.

"No- no- wait! It's not what you think! It's all a misunderstanding! I'm telling you the truth Natsuki!"

Natsuki leaned in and almost whispered. "You like _manga_ don't you Yuri!"

"Um, um- well- Yes! Yes! Fine! I admit it! I love manga and I've been reading from your collection without you knowing!" she reached down and handed Natsuki the volume. "I'm sorry," she said curling up, her eyes looked like they were beginning to water.

Natsuki stepped back to give her space. "Ha! I knew you would like them!"

Yuri still looked upset and worried. "I'm so sorry! I should have known, I just didn't want to ask you, it would be embarrassing- especially since it meant that you would be right. I shouldn't have lied…" Yuri began to rapidly inhale short breaths.

"Hey, dude, it's all good. Look, its not bad."

Yuri took a few deep breaths. "No," she said beginning to calm down, "look, I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, Yuri, that's okay- hey wait a minute," she said, another grin spreading across her face, "So you _admit_ that manga is literature!"

"Hey- I never said that!"

"Come on Yuri, I won the bet. You have to admit that manga is literature."

"Hey look, let's not be rash-"

"Come on," she said stretching out the words.

"Look, I already told Monika okay! I don't need to repeat it to you," Yuri protested.

"Uh-uh," she said waving a finger, "say it to me or it doesn't count."

"Fine, okay! _Manga is literature_ \- there, I said it," she said crossing her arms, "You're killing me Natsuki."

"Ha-ha, I win!" Natsuki jumped up and did a short dance.

"Look, you don't have to rub it in."

"Fine, wanna go to dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," said Yuri, clearly glad that Natsuki had stopped antagonizing her, "Just let me put on something."

"Huh? You look fine. We're not going to a fancy restaurant, and it's not like you're in your pajamas."

"Close enough," she said slipping on her white sweater, being careful to make sure that the sleeves rolled all the way down.

Natsuki rolled her eyes. "You're killin me smalls!"

"Smalls? You're barely five feet tall."

Natsuki's expression hardened, "Hey! Don't call me short you _edgy bitch_!"

Yuri laughed, "D'awww teh whiffle tsundere is angwey! It's sooo pwecious!"

" _Stop talking_!"

"You started it, now are we going?"

"Heh, yeah, come on," said Natsuki as they left the room, closing the door behind them.

They both walked out of the room and took the stairs to the ground level. When they got outside, it was already much darker, but not night yet. Students were just beginning their night activities, with many going to get dinner before preparing for the next day while others went out for a drink even though it was still Wednesday. They crossed campus and arrived at the food court. At the hour it was full, but not exactly packed.

"Hey Yuri," said Natsuki.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to just pick up fast food here rather than going to the actual food hall?

"Yeah sure," said Yuri, "I mean, they're alright, but they're probably even more packed at this hour."

Natsuki nodded in agreement, and they separated to order their separate meals. Yuri ordered broccoli and cheddar soup in a bread bowl from _Panera Bread_ while Natsuki ordered a small burger from _Five Guys._ They met up together and sat at a table by the window. By then it was night, and the soft glare of the overhead lights cast reflections on its glass surface. Natsuki unfolded her burger while Yuri set up her soup.

"How did I know you would get the bread bowl?"

"What do you mean?" asked Yuri, confused.

"I knew that you would get either that or some type of hummus. Come on Yuri, you're so predictable."

"Well I'm sorry for actually caring about eating healthy. Plus, a burger? I thought you were trying to exercise?"

"I _am_! I'm trying to build muscle. A burger has protein. Therefore, it is good for me."

"I don't think that's how burgers work," said Yuri skeptically.

"Well look," she said picking up a tray of peanuts, "Nuts! Pro-tein!"

Yuri picked up Natsuki's 'medium' orange crush and shook it slightly, rattling the ice. "I'm sure all this high fructose corn syrup cancels that out."

"Well at least it's better than," she picked up Yuri's drink, "what even is this stuff?"

"It's raspberry tea!"

"Who drinks hot tea out of a plastic cup?!"

"I do when I don't have my normal tea-drinking mug!"

"My face when you have a specific 'tea-drinking mug.'"

"It's better than not having a tea-drinking mug!" She took her cup out of Natsuki's hand and took a sip. Natsuki, proud of her verbal-sparring abilities, took a bite of her burger. They continued to eat.

"Hey Natsuki," Yuri said after a while.

"Yeah?" Natsuki mumbled, still chewing her food.

"I was wondering, have you seen Sayori lately?"

Natsuki swallowed. "Sayori? Not really, I mean, didn't you see her today?"

"Well yeah, but I was just wondering, last time you saw her, how was she? Something seems off about her."

"I didn't notice anything in particular, but then again since we don't share any classes together it's not like I see her on a regular basis. Why? What's up?"

"I don't know," Yuri admitted, "but remember back in high school?"

"Ew, don't remind me about high school."

"Yeah, high school sucked, but rember how Sayori was?"

Natsuki nodded, "Her depression was pretty bad. I, uh, I'm not sure I can speak adequately on that topic though. Um, well, I mean, it's not like we were particularly close. Her best friend was Monika and she was kinda latched onto her. Like, Monika was the only one who knew what was going on with her, or at least I think."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," agreed Yuri, "We saw each other on a daily basis, but I sometimes felt like I was only seeing half of her, like a facade. She could hide it well, but some days it slipped through. I tried to help, but, you know. My depression was never as bad as hers, plus I'm terrible at social stuff so- um, yeah I was just wondering."

"So you think it's back?"

"Not really. It's not just something that 'goes away,' I mean, from my understanding, depression is not just some mental disorder which is always there in the background, but simply part of what it is to be human, or at least to an extent. Like, I mean, just look at how much people are affected by things like finals, and work, and other forms of being stressed out. Some people handle it better than others, then some just lose hope or become lost in the infinite choices."

"What are you saying?" asked Natsuki puzzled.

"I'm just saying that its always there, just some things may cause it to resurface. We spend our whole lives running from this feeling no matter if we have depression or not, but some just can't. I guess I'm just worried that what happened in high school will repeat itself."

"Look, can we please not talk about that, that day? If Monika didn't- you know what, forget about it." There was silence.

"Well," said Yuri after a while, "I invited her over to study. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, of course! I mean, I will probably be there, but I won't mind."

"Great, thanks Natsuki." Yuri looked down at her food. She had drank the soup, but didn't feel like finishing the bread bowl, so she squished and wrapped it so that she could save it in her mini fridge. She looked over and saw that Natsuki had eaten her entire burger.

"Ready to go?"

Natsuki finished her soda and burped a response. " _Urp-_ Yeah."

Trying to ignore her gross friend, Yuri made her way back to the dorm.


	8. Ch 8: Nausea

Ch. 8: Nausea

Sayori could hear crickets and other unknown insects chanting in the darkness. She sat on the roof of a building built on the edge of campus, her feet dangling over the edge. She was about twelve feet off of ground level, and directly in front of her perch was a road. She could see a stoplight in the distance, casing its colorful light across the pavement and nearby cars while causing traffic to ebb and flow in predictable patterns. Behind her was a tree. The tree was an old, grizzled oak, an unusual sight on an island, which cast concealing darkness around her. The tree and darkness was why Sayori liked the spot. The tree hid her from prying eyes, and for an instant she could believe that she was nobody. No past, no future, she could believe that she had just momentarily popped into existence right there on top of the small, rarely used building like some type of benign nature spirit.

She could allow herself to be lost in the sounds, in the lights, in the smells. Students occasionally walked past, talking and laughing, oblivious to her existence. She could mentally trail them, listening to their stories and becoming part of their lives. She could hear the cars, the insects, an ambulance siren wailing from the the city depths, and occasionally she could hear her own living heartbeat amidst this endless cacophony of soft and meaningless noise. The streetlights hit the road and reflected off the car windshields, combining with the light of the stoplight. She could see a cafe in the distance, an 'open' sign flashing, and she could see lights coming from lit windows of the surrounding buildings, the people inside oblivious to her gaze. Sometimes, she could even make out the stars and other heavenly bodies. She smelled the oak wood, the dirt, the pavement cooling after a long day, and the omnipresent salty smell of the ocean. She took a breath. Sometimes it was easy to let go, to open up, to be lost in the sensation. She felt present in the wood, in the life, in the people talking and laughing. She felt like a God, like a force of pure life, existing in and as all of Nature.

She reached down and picked up her styrofoam cup of hot chocolate, and suddenly she was human again. She had not eaten any dinner, in fact she didn't eat much in general, but she was not hungry. A cup of coffee or hot chocolate, while not exactly nutritious, could ward off hunger while preventing her nausea from returning. She drank a sip and then set the cup down. She again looked out at her surroundings.

What did it mean? That was the question, the ultimate question really, but specifically what did her dream, if it could even be called a dream, mean? In the nightmare, she was dying, that is hanging with a noose around her neck, slowly suffocating. Her hands clawed at her neck becoming slick with blood and- no! Don't think about it. But she had to think about it. To consider the possibilities. Why would this one dream keep recurring?

Perhaps it was simply showing her how she truly felt. She had thought about it. Many times she had thought about it. But that could not be it. Why, if that was indeed the case, did it come all of the sudden? What was she doing?

For a while, she was happy. The rainclouds seemed to pass leaving not so much the sun but a large gibbous moon and stars. Things were not 'sunny,' things were beautiful. Instead of hiding from her problems by pretending that they don't exist, or falling into a societal role, friend, girlfriend, student, or whatever, to escape by giving into others, she gave into Nature and the infinite creative possibilities of her reality and the beauty within. For a while, she could see the world as right and good. But then again, this did not just happen, and her friends were partially responsible. Especially Monika. She could trust and confide in her. She did not find meaning and purpose in her friends, but through them and their love she could find it herself- or at least so she thought.

The thing about the rain is that it never truly goes away, and it is necessary for life. It is necessary for life as it made her her. Without the rain, she would have no motivation for seeking to see the world rightly, she would become her mask, a person who lives only for others while being just as dead inside. Or at least, that's when the rain doesn't drown her, and leave her paralyzed on her bed, unable to move, only talking when Monika comes to sit beside her. Sometimes Monika would put on music, or turn on the TV and lie next to Sayori. Monika knew that music and television was just meaningless noise, but sometimes a distraction was necessary, and having Monika there beside her was enough to at least make her want to go on, minute by painful minute. Sometimes Monika would turn off all noise and just sit or lie there. Sometimes that was all that she needed, she never had a friend like that before.

Or did she? She thought back to her childhood. At times it felt foggy, as if she had lived many lives and their childhoods were pressing together. For some reason she thought about the boy in her dreams. She did not recognize him at all, or at least her only recollection of him was in another dream. She did not usually hang out with boys, in fact, she couldn't think of any that she could even call a friend, so she doubted that it was someone that she had seen, even subconsciously. She had sometimes considered trying to get to know some of the guys around campus, but they were dumb. Then again, most girls were no better, but then again maybe the reason why she was more comfortable around other girls was simply because of her closest friends. Perhaps if she was lifelong friends with some boy things wouldn't be so bad. Monika had occasionally tried to introduce her to boys. Apparently Monika seemed to think that the one thing she needed was a boyfriend, as if that wouldn't make things worse. Sometimes she suspected that Monika had her own rainclouds and used other people as a way of covering up the wound. Maybe that's what she was, a broken healer.

But why was she having this dream and who was this person. She could not answer the question no matter how hard she pressed. And the rainclouds didn't go away. Even in her best days, they were there, just in the background. She could see the world as right and life as having meaning, but they were still in the background. Doubts and uncertainties are built into humanity. She closed her eyes and tried to forget about everything for just a minute, then whispered a wordless, almost thoughtless, prayer to whatever may be listening to her as she listened to everyone else. It was not a request, it was a silent act of will to surrender to whatever the creative advance held.

She took another sip of the now cold chocolate. She rose and stretched, again looking out at her surroundings. She picked up and slipped on her book bag, then walked over to the stairwell. She had found this alcove months ago, and she used it as her place to get away, sometimes spending hours up on the roof in silent meditation or contemplation. There was a small gap between the roof and the stairwell as the stairwell led up to another building, and she simply used it as an illegitimate way to access the roof. She jumped down from the roof and landed on one of the stairwell's concrete platforms, then climbed down. On the ground, the night streets were nearly empty, but again she expanded her senses to be aware of the totality around her. Students were still out talking to their friends or in commute between buildings. She could tell that a few were more than a little drunk. The trees, both palm and oak, soared over her, and at their bases the occasional squirrel fidgeted out of sight.

Dropping her styrofoam cup into a recycling bin, she made her way back to the dorm.


	9. Ch 9: Just Monika

Ch. 9: Júst͢ ̢Mo͡ni̢ķa̵

Monika came to consciousness. She moved her legs slightly and felt the sheets of her bed rub against her feet and thighs. She then felt that she had one hand underneath her pillow and one hanging out of her bed exposed. In fact, for some reason, she as a whole felt exposed. Usually when she woke up she would do so slowly, but now she was wide awake.

Mentally she reviewed what had happened the night before. She sat in her room, alone, doing homework. She had just finished and had begun to read a book recommended to her by Yuri when Sayori walked in. It was rather late, at least for a weeknight, round ten or eleven maybe- still not that late for a college student. She had smiled at Sayori and went back to reading. Sayori gathered up her nightclothes and slipped off into the bathroom to take a shower. Monika had already brushed her teeth and was in her nightgown, so she continued to read, however she did change positions from sitting at her desk to sitting in her bed. Sayori came out about half an hour later, and Monika then turned out the lights and went to sleep. She could remember these things clearly. Why had she woken up? Her eyes were not yet open.

She peeked open her eyes and was surprised to see light. It was not too bright but uncomfortable after sleeping. She opened her eyes wider and saw that she was in an unfamiliar room. The walls were plain, of an indescribable and very forgettable, almost colorless color somewhere between tan or grey, as if the painter had wanted to make sure that nobody cared to look at said walls. The floor was made out of a similarly colored tile organized in a strange pattern. There were red shades over the windows and it was dark outside.

Monika's heart began to race. She was not supposed to be here. She wondered if she was at someone else's house rather than in her own dorm. Perhaps she gotten drunk and allowed herself to be taken to some guy's house. No, that's impossible. She didn't drink much and while she did not consider herself to be a prude there was no way that she would allow such a thing to happen, at least not with someone that she didn't know as she wished for a real connection to form in any relationship, a wish that most people her age had no hope of satisfying.

She looked again at the windows and noticed something wrong. Something was just _wrong_ but she could not put her finger on it. Then the stars in the background seemed to move. They seemed to shift as if she were watching the birth of a nebula or the remains of a long dead giant star. The clouds of fiery gas seemed to shift, covering up the background.

Perhaps she was dreaming. She felt around again, but the bed seemed real. Then again, if she was sleeping of course her senses would give her the true sensation of a bed. She moved around a little more and began to pull the covers off of her body. She sat up but felt a bit dizzy. It was as if her head was under some type of high, like the side effects of a potent drug- or a good drink. She sat up straight and slipped the covers off of her midsection and thighs, but then froze. Someone was watching her. She could feel it. She did not want to look but knew she had to.

She turned her head and saw a young man sitting at a desk. He had young, boyish features, with brown hair and warm golden-brown eyes. His face was expressionless, as if he were wearing a mask. His clothes were pure white. He appeared to be wearing some type of tuxedo or business suit, but it was all white with thin trails of silver fabric woven in. Even his tie was silver silk. The only exception were his cufflinks which were solid gold. His arms were resting with their elbows on the desk, the fingers interlaced in front of his mouth. In all, he looked like a millionaire's son trying to imitate his father, a little flashy, but kinda cute at the same time. The desk that he sat at appeared to be the type that one would expect to find in a professor's study. It was dark, made of the finest polished mahogany, with small stacks of paper and pens arranged in a careful order on its surface. Directly in front of the man, boy really, was a clear space as if he expected to receive a visitor. Indeed, in front of the desk was a small but comfortable looking chair.

Monika stared at him. It was a dream. It had to be. But she was curious to see where it was going. She pulled the sheets off her legs and draped the hem of her nightgown over them. She rose from her bed and stared at him. He said nothing. She slowly walked over to the desk. When she was right in front of it she sat in the chair. There was some distance between her and the boy. For the first time, he moved his unblinking eyes and shifted his gaze. He gestured with his hand for her to come closer, then returned the hand to where it was in front of his mouth.

Monika scooted the chair up closer. She was directly in front of him, and her eyes met his. They held the piercing gaze of cold command, but were also friendly and somewhat welcoming. He took a breath and lowered his arms, hands resting on his desk. He leaned forward, like a boss about to give a firm talk to a disruptive employee.

"Just Monika, eh?"

Monika felt as if she were hit by a train. She felt herself falling, falling into the abyss. The room crumbled around her and she screamed. She found herself twisting, her limbs brushing fabric. She opened her eyes.

* * *

She was back in her dorm.

She threw the covers off and sat up. It was still dark.

"Monika, Monika!" she heard Sayori cry out. She turned to see Sayori climbing out of bed.

"What happened?!" Sayori asked, clearly worried.

Monika struggled to catch her breath. She looked around her, studying the scenery and found nothing off. She took a few more breaths, more slowly this time, then turned to face her concerned friend.

"I- I- I don't know," she began.

"Was it some type of nightmare?" Sayori reached out to hold her hand. Monika wanted to pull away, but decided against it.

"I- I'm not sure," she paused, "I can't really describe it."

"What do you-" then a spark of recognition flashed across Sayori's face, "did you have… _that_ kind of dream?"

"No, I mean, I'm not sure. I didn't, I didn't… die or anything. At least I don't think so."

Sayori seemed relieved by this. "What did you see?"

"I, well- look Sayori. I need some time to think about it."

Sayori looked a little disappointed, but she stepped back, removing her hand from Monika's. "I see."

Monika swung her legs onto the ground but continued to sit there. She stayed like that for a minute or so.

"Hey Sayori?" asked Monika, "Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure! Yes, I mean, that would be best, to clear your mind I mean- or at least it works for me."

"Great." Monika rose and quickly got dressed. Sayori did likewise. They figured that there would be a normal early morning chill, so both dressed in light sweaters. They exited the dorm complex and emerged into the early morning air. The sky was still dark, but it would soon be lighting up. Monika did not miss the irony that she had started the previous day in the exact same way, only this time it was her who was having the acid-trip dreams. Monika did not want to stop and sit down, instead she kept walking, past the sleeping buildings of the university.

"Sayori?"

"Yeah?"

"If it doesn't upset you too much," began Monika, "Please tell me more about your dream."

"Monika I- I think I already told you everything. I mean, I was hanging, a bloody noose around my neck, and I was dying."

Monika reflected upon the fact that the almost never heard Sayori use swear words. "I know. But what else? Didn't you mention that there was some type of boy in this dream?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know who he is, but yeah, there was some boy there."

"What was he doing?" pressed Monika.

"I don't know, he was running up to me, or at least I think he was."

"What was he wearing?"

"What?"

"I'm serious. What did he look like?"

"Well, he was about my age, or at least I think he was. And he was kinda short, but not really…"

"Was he wearing all white? Did he have goldish-brown eyes? Did he have brown hair and a cute boyish face?"

Sayori froze in her tracks. "Yes to all three," she whispered.

"Bloody hell Sayori! I think I dreamt about the exact same person!"

Sayori didn't respond. Already she was lost in thought. Monika looked at her. Sayori was staring straight ahead. Monika followed her gaze but saw nothing in particular. They were on the edge of campus in front of a road that led down to the nearby beach. From where they stood they could see the dark water and the sky that was just beginning to come alive with its morning hues.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a lonely, out of the way physics lab, a strange piece of machinery was making a steady, beeping noise.


	10. Ch 10: Inclusive 'Or'

Ch. 10: Inclusive 'Or'

"Uuuuuh, Natsuki?"

"Yeah, what?" asked Natsuki looking up from her bowl of freshly scrambled eggs.

"Is it supposed to be this watery?" asked Yuri.

Natsuki sighed. "What now?"

"I think something's wrong with this dough."

Natsuki walked over and looked into the bowl. Sure enough, what was supposed to be dough for biscuits was far more watery than it should have been. In fact, it looked more like cake batter. Natsuki grabbed Yuri's spoon and stirred around. "What did you do to it?"

"I didn't do anything!" Yuri protested, "I followed your instructions."

"Let me see the ingredients," she said grabbing the recipe that she had given Yuri. "Everything looks good. How did… Wait, how many cups of water or milk did you pour in?"

"Two of each, just as it says."

"Two of… Yuri. Did you say you poured in two cups of water _and_ two cups of milk?"

"Well yes. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

" _No!_ " Natsuki slapped her forehead. "It's two cups of water _or_ two cups of milk! How is that so confusing?"

"I thought it was an _inclusive '_ or'!"

"What the hell is an ' _inclusive or_ '?"

"Well logically, 'or' can mean one, another, or both- depending on the context. The main way to specify one or the other is to give an 'either-or.' I thought the implication was to add either water or milk if you wanted biscuits with a certain flavor, but to add both if you wanted regular biscuits."

Natsuki thought through these logical acrobatics. "But didn't you realize that it would be too watery?"

"I thought that the quantity was a bit much," Yuri admitted, "but I figured that this is just how they look before baking."

"Yuri, I don't care if you're some type of genius, but please _stop_ thinking with your logical brain and just use what we ordinary muggles use: common sense!"

"Well sorry for not getting into baking just because I read some manga, but how do we fix this?"

Natsuki ignored the rather weak but still infuriating insult. "I guess the only thing to do is to get another bowl and double the flour, then bake them both together. Stay here, I'm going to to get another bowl out my room."

"Alright, see you in a minute," she called as Natsuki walked out of the small kitchen room.

"Oh and another thing," Natsuki said popping her head back in, "Don't burn down the entire school while I'm gone."

Yuri rolled her eyes and threw a wet rag at Natsuki who closed the kitchen door just in time. Yuri thought about going back to sturr her watery batter but decided against it. A while back Natsuki had offered to teach Yuri some of the basics of baking, both because Natsuki thought that it would be fun and because she seemed to be under the impression that Yuri had no chance of surviving in the 'real world.' And, if Yuri was being honest with herself, Natsuki was right. She mentally kicked herself. Why did she have to overthink even the most basic and common-sensical notions?

She sat down at the nearby table. Looking out of the window, she could see the early morning sun. It was still early. Natsuki liked to use the kitchen early for that she could bake and clean without being bothered by idiots who wanted to make ramen five minutes before their classes started. Sure enough, the kitchen seemed to be a mess, despite the fact that they were just making eggs and biscuits.

The door opened suddenly and Monika stepped in. "Hey Yuri," she said, "I figured either you or Natsuki would be in here."

"Oh hey Monika," said Yuri standing up again, "What are you doing here? Don't you live in another residence hall?"

"Well yeah, but I wanted to come see if any of you were up yet," she said walking through the kitchen, "What are you making?"

"Oh, these are just for biscuits and eggs. Do you want any?"

"No eggs, but I may take a biscuit when you're done," said Monika as she pulled up a chair to take a seat next to Yuri. "Where's Natsuki?"

"She'll be back in a minute," said Yuri sitting down again. "Oh and by the way, I've been meaning to ask you, how's Sayori?"

"Sayori? Um, what do you mean?" Monika seemed to be a bit taken aback by her question.

"Oh, um well," Yuri turned away, struggling to express her concerns. "I don't know," she said at last, "It's just that the other day when I saw her she seemed… like she had something bothering her, something not good. Is it her depression? I just thought that you might know something about it since you are her roomate after all." Yuri began to play with her hair. She was not nervous around Monika, but she wasn't the best at expressing her feelings about such serious topics.

"Well, I guess depression is at least part of the reason why," said Monika, "But I mean, it's not something that just causes her to be upset for no reason. There could be other factors involved."

"Like what?"

Monika bit her lip. "You may want to ask her yourself," she said at last, "It's nothing bad, but I just don't think that I can adequately express another person's feelings."

"Oh, okay. I may be able to ask her later. I was just worried." Yuri looked away.

"Oh, and Yuri," said Monika.

"Yeah?"

"There is actually something else that I've been wanting to ask you," she thought about it for a second. "You read a lot. Have you ever heard of two or more people dreaming about the exact same person, but it's someone that they can't name?"

Yuri gave Monika a funny look. "That's very specific."

"Okay okay," Monika sighed, "It's just that I've been having very weird dreams lately, and I just wanted to hear what you think."

"Well I'm no dream-interpreter or whatever, but I can listen to what's going on. What were they like?"

Monika debated how much she wanted to tell, then decided that the story would make her sound like she was going insane. Her confidence momentarily faltered, and she wished that she had never had the idea to go see what Yuri thought. "Well, I'm not sure how to describe it, but it seems like Sayori and I have been having very similar and realistic dreams. It's probably nothing. I mean, we are roommates, so we have probably seen similar people and events and our subconsciousness just construct similar dreams based off it. Ahaha." She gave an embarrassed smile.

Yuri looked like she was about to say something, but at that moment Natsuki burst back into the room carrying a large bowl. "It took me forever to- oh hey Monika. What are you doing here?"

"Hey Natsuki, I just came to see you two," Monika said with a smile, clearly thankful for the interruption, "Oh, and also, Yuri, for your birthday tomorrow you never did say where you wanted to go. I mean, I have the money so practically anywhere is fine."

"Monika, I- I don't really have a preference. Plus, you don't need to do that."

"We're friends, and it's your birthday. So shush."

"Oh! Hey Monika, in that case can we go to to _Outback_?" interrupted Natsuki.

"The wannabe Australian steak place?" she said skeptically. "I'm a vegetarian, so no, unless of course Yuri chooses that."

"Awww, but they have fish."

"I'm trying to eat stuff that does not come from _any_ type of animal. At least if I can help it."

"Hey look," said Yuri, "If you want me to choose, fine, how about _Olive Garden_? That way you can get what you want and the carnivore over here can get her steak."

"Hey!" said Natsuki "I'm not a- actually, never mind."

"Yuri," said Monika, "It's your birthday, so choose what you want, not what will make us happy."

"I've already said that if you hadn't brought it up, I would be planning on spending my birthday in my dorm reading or something."

"That's exactly why I'm trying to get you to get out a little bit more. Come on, it's college, so I'm trying to get you out of your shell."

"See?" asked Natsuki, who had just finished mixing in more flour and was now placing the biscuits onto two large baking pans. "Monika, you don't know how often I try to get her to do things and get her nose out of some dusty book."

Yuri turned away, slightly embarrassed. "Thanks, but just- just understand that while I do enjoy our… adventures, I'm not the best at planning for or getting hyped for things."

"Fair enough," said Monika, "And if you're ever anxious about some of the adventures we go on, just tell me. I wouldn't ask you to go to a place as noisy or out of your element as a bar for instance."

"Thanks," said Yuri, "Oh, and Monika, were you able to find a theater that's showing _Portrait of Markov_?"

"Yeah," said Monika, "but it's on the other side of the city, so it may take a while to get there."

"That's fine, I don't mind long car rides- oh, and should we take my car?"

"Yuri, you have a minivan," said Monika, the shame evident in her voice.

"It's not a minivan! It's an SUV," said Yuri coming to the defense of her rather unpopular mode of transportation.

"Close enough! We are not taking that. I'll drive."

"Fine."

Natsuki finished putting in her biscuits and came to sit at the table. "You're right Monika," said Natsuki with a grin on her face, "We should have put our money together to get Yuri a new car."

"Oh yeah? That's rich coming from you considering that you don't even _own_ a car!" said Yuri who after a year of knowing Natsuki had learned to jump on the opportunity to roast her roomate whenever she could.

"Hey! It's not my fault that I never have money!"

"Oh really?" said Monika joining in on the fun, "Are you even _old enough_ to have a car?"

"Or maybe you're not tall enough to even _reach_ the gas pedal!"

" _Stop talking!_ " shouted Natsuki, clearly without a good comeback. "You were supposed to be on my side Monikaaaaaa!"

Monika and Yuri high-fived like the tag team champions they were. They both broke out laughing.

"Ha ha, real-" Natsuki looked as if she was about to say something else, but stopped and placed a hand on her forehead.

"Uh, Natsuki?" asked Yuri with a touch of concern creeping into her voice, "Are you okay? You look kinda pale-"

Natsuki dropped to the floor and did not move.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: I would like to thank everyone who's read and commented on this story, both in the review section or in private. I would also like to take this time to thank both the people who have followed this story and everyone else who has read it as well. I'm fairly new here and trying to improve my writing, so it means a lot. If there is anything that I'm doing well or not doing well, please let me know. Constructive criticism and questions are the best.**_

 _ **( this message will probably be deleted in the future to enhance the story-ness by removing meta-commentary)**_


	11. Ch 11: Don't Leave Me

Ch. 11: Don't Leave Me

Natsuki found herself sitting at a desk, head down with a small stain of drool on her arm which she used as a pillow. She must have just woken up after accidentally falling asleep. Wiping off her arm, she noticed that she was wearing very strange clothes. She wore a grey blazer with long sleeves that went up to her wrists. Underneath, she wore a white collared dress shirt with a brown sweater vest. She recognized it as her old school uniform. She never did like the thing. It was always either too hot or too cold, and it was always tight and itchy. These uncomfortable sensations were only amplified as she had not worn it in so long.

She looked around and noticed that she sat in a classroom. There were other desks around hers all in neat rows but some towards the front were out of order. She usually sat in the back. It was better that way as she wouldn't have to be bothered by the teacher calling on her or other students looking at her, but now the classroom was empty. She wondered if she had fallen asleep and when class let out nobody bothered to awaken her. That seemed the most plausible explanation as she didn't have too many friends, at least not in high school. She would often be picked on and occasionally she would get into a fight over these insults. Her tormentors, both male and female, seemed to hate her just because she looked strange and had odd mannerisms and likings, such as her love for anime and manga. In fact, during her junior year a rumor had circulated claiming that she was actually biologically male but just dressed as a girl. When she found the girl who started the rumor, she punched her into unconsciousness. Later, she was called to the principal's office and was almost suspended. In fact, she would have been suspended had her dad not made such a fuss about the whole affair. She could tell, at least at times, that her father really did love her, or at least he somewhat did. In fact, on the way home that day, he had actually told her that he was proud. He was proud that his daughter had stood up for herself. That was probably the only time she ever heard those words.

High school had been her own private hell, one that she only escaped by going to college. Suddenly, Natsuki thought about college, but these memories seemed so fake, so unreal. Perhaps all of her first year of college was some sort of dream. Perhaps she had fallen asleep only to have her subconcious construct a new world, a world of happiness and friendship, as a painful drug to escape a harsh reality. She thought back to what she had been doing before she found herself here, but her memories seemed so foggy, as if she was trying to remember a dream. She remembered something about working on an art project, then going to eat with a purple-haired girl. The girl seemed so familiar, and yet she could not recall her name.

"No- no- wh- where?"

She thought frantically. Where was she? _When_ was she? She looked around the classroom. The walls were grey. On her left-hand side there were large windows through which the afternoon sun streamed in. To her right there was a pair of closed doors and a green board used to hang posters and flyers. She took a breath. There was something off about the air. Something smelled _wrong_.

She stood up. Sure enough, the air smelled sweet and metallic, but she could not place her finger on where it was coming from. She walked towards the front of the room where the desks were slightly out of order. She wasn't looking at the desks though. Instead, she was scanning the room. She turned her head around to look back at where she was sitting and stopped in her tracks. On the wall behind where she had been sitting was a poster of a young girl wearing shorts and a white shirt who seemed to be hovering above the ground. She looked closer and saw that the background appeared to be that of a bedroom. The girl looked vaguely familiar, but she could not recall her name. The girl's blue-green eyes were glassy and out of focus, and upon closer examination, Natsuki could see a noose around her neck.

Natsuki gasped, wondering why anyone would hang such a gristly poster. Maybe it was for some horror book or game, or maybe it was some 'suicide prevention week' poster. Still, the thing was terrifying. She never did understand the 'suicide prevention' measures that most schools enacted. Everyone knew that if you went to the guidance counselor and told them they you had even one suicidal thought or dream, or even were known to joke about it, the authorities would be called. Most suicidal people kept their problems to themselves. They did not want to be a burden to others and they did not want anyone to find out and make a big deal about it. What were they thinking by making suicide so unthinkable that suicidal people would be too afraid to even tell their loved ones? Natsuki didn't know. Presumably adults knew best, but then again she was too old to believe that. She considered ripping the poster down but decided to leave it up.

She turned around, took a step forward, and gasped in horror. A girl with long purple hair sat on the ground with her back propped up against a chair; from the look in her cold, unblinking eyes, Natsuki could tell she we dead. Her chest and abdomen had bloody puncture wounds, and her clothes were soaked with blood from when she bled out. On the ground, a huge swath of blood led from the body to a nearby knife. The corpse's hands were bloody.

Natsuki tried to scream, but she could not hear her voice. Tears ran down her cheeks. At once, memories of the past two years came rushing back. She saw herself having dinner with, fighting with, working on homework with, reading poems with, talking about books with, becoming best friends with the purple-haired girl, and yet Natsuki could not remember her name. She knelt down and touched the bloody hand. The body was cold and lifeless, and it seemed that her life was already forgotten about. She tried to move it, but the body was already growing stiff. She dropped it in terror.

She continued to scream, but no sound came. The sun continued to set, and the classroom was filled with the reddish glow of evening. Night came and the corpse was bathed in moonlight. Morning came and she could see that the blood had hardened into a red, flaky sheet. The creature's eyes were even more grey and lifeless than before. Evening came and night followed. On the third day, her eyes were glazed over and sunken into their sockets. The blood was now rusted, and the body was noticeably stiff with pale, clammy skin. Evening came, then night, then morning followed. The corpse's skin was shrunken and dry.

Natsuki continued to scream until her voice was hoarse, but no sound came. She continued to sob, but now the tears were dry as well.

"I- I'm sorry," came a voice.

She looked up, and through her blurry and grief-strained vision, she could make out a boy. He wore all white clothes like some type of angel of death who had come for the girl.

"There was nothing I could do," he said, his head bowed.

Natsuki continued to scream as reality evaporated around her. Her head felt heavy, and the walls of the classroom seemed to vanish into oblivion. Then the corpse vanished as well, but Natsuki continued to scream all the same.

* * *

It felt like a thunderstorm had torn through her head. Her entire brain seemed to be alive with buzzing, painful electricity. Her body was cold, her face numb, but she felt the pinpricks of sensation as feeling returned to her body. She looked up and saw the ceiling, rows of fluorescent lights shown down. She squinted her eyes. She could feel that she was lying on something soft, a large sofa perhaps.

"She's awake!" came a voice.

Natsuki didn't respond as a face appeared in her view. The girl standing above her had long brown hair and shining green eyes. It was Monika.

"Natsuki? Are you okay?" she asked worried. "Can you speak?"

Natsuki tried to sit up but felt dizzy. She leaned over feeling nauseous. Monika seemed to recognize what was happening.

"Quick! Give me that trash can!"

From somewhere unseen, Monia produced a trash can and stuck it under Natsuki's leaning head. Sure enough, she vomited in the bin. Monika gave her a stack of napkins and she wiped her face.

"Here, just sit back," said Monika adjusting her position, "Are you okay?"

Natsuki struggled to speak. "Wh- where- where's Yuri?" she croaked.

"Um, Natsuki? I'm here. Are you alright?" Yuri stepped into view. She had long purple hair which matched her living, concerned eyes.

"Yuri!" Natsuki screamed, reaching out.

"I'm here. What's wrong?" Yuri stepped closer, and Natsuki grabbed her hand and pulled her even closer. She pulled so hard that Yuri was forced to push the trash can out of the way and kneel next to her. Natsuki grabbed Yuri into a crushing embrace and began to cry into her shoulder.

"Yuri! _Don't leave me_!" She continued to sob, and Yuri hugged back. "Please never let go! Don't die! Please!"

"Wh-what?" she gasped trying to pull away only to have Natsuki grab her even tighter.

" _No! Please don't leave me!_ "

Yuri held her crying friend close as her tears began to soak both of their clothes.

"P- please… don't go…." she said weakly. Natsuki seemed to be drifting off into a sudden sleep, but Yuri remained there as she continued to cry and mumble.

"Um," said Monika, "the Campus EMS should be here shortly."

Yuri looked up and nodded in understanding. "If it's okay with them, I'll stay with Natsuki."

Monika shook her head in agreement. "Yeah, I'll-"

 _Beeeeeep!_

Monika looked around for the source of the unexpected noise. "Uh, Yuri?"

"Oh, yeah, those are just the biscuits," she said as she continued to kneel on the floor in Natsuki's embrace, "Uh, you may want to get them out…."


	12. Ch 12: Areyouokay!

Ch. 12: Areyouokay?!

Monika hastily left the campus sports complex, and picked up her phone to check the time. It was a few minutes past two thirty in the afternoon, so still early. About an hour after Natsuki had fainted, Monika had to go into work. She had a job at the university sports complex where she would work several short shifts per week. Her family was financially well off, although not nearly as rich as Yuri's family, but financially secure nonetheless. However, at the beginning of the academic year the sports complex was looking for employees and she had signed up, mainly because she did not want to rely upon her family's wealth but also because she wanted to have a worthwhile activity to occupy the long gaps between classes. She was good at her job. After all, she knew the gym in and out since she would often go there to exercise.

Her shift ended at two thirty, but she had just finished cleaning up a puddle of spilt _Gatorade_ , which had taken far longer than she had anticipated. Now, Monika rushed through the hot afternoon sun on the way to the medical center. Their campus was fairly large, and so it took a while to reach her destination, but when she arrived, she burst through the electric doors, sweating and out of breath. She did not check in or ask where Natsuki was for she already knew thanks to Yuri's texts, and the medical center also served as a classroom setting for med students making mandatory check ins very impractical. As a result, the med building was like any other on campus, with students casually coming and going, but silence was demanded on the upper floors where the occasional sick patient rested.

She opened the door to see Natsuki sleeping soundlessly in the hospital bed with the afternoon sun filtering in through the blinds covering the window. Yuri sat by her side on a visitor's chair. Her head was resting on the side of Natsuki's bed, and Monika could see Yuri's hands grabbing Natsuki's as they slept. She took a minute to appreciate just how adorable those two were.

Monika thought back to how much they would fight in high school, every day for all sorts of reasons. Ironically now those two were almost inseparable. She had planned for this outcome, of course. Back in high school when they were all in the literature club, Monika had facilitated dialogue between them, working to find common interests and planning projects for them to do together. Eventually, they grew close, but still when they applied for housing on campus, they were only casual friends. Monika had suspected that they both wanted to room with her. However, Monika felt as if she was responsible for Sayori, almost as if they were sisters, so she planned to room with Sayori in advance thereby forcing Yuri and Natsuki to be stuck together. She had engineered two outcomes to come to pass with one action and a bit of foresight. Momentarily, she pictured herself in long, black Sith Lord robes- _everything is proceeding as I have foreseen._

Monika closed the door behind her. Yuri stirred and woke up, looking at Monika. Monika could tell that Yuri had been sleeping like that for a while as her face was red and had lines from where the fabric pressed into her skin. Yuri sat up and stretched, but one hand continued to hold Natsuki's. Then Natsuki stirred, either the noise of the door opening or the sudden shift in Yuri's body alerting her. She opened her eyes and looked around. Then noticing that she and Yuri were holding hands, she immediately and casually slipped hers away and placed it under the covers. She was resting at an inclined angle, but still sat up to talk.

"Oh, hey Monika," she said.

"Hey Natsuki," replied Monika with a smile, "How's it going?"

She shrugged. "I think I'm good. When I came in they ran several tests, but none were too in depth."

"What caused the…" Monika gestured seemingly at a loss to find the right word, "fainting spell?"

"They think that that's all there is. People occasionally are sent here with fainting spells, but they just decided to keep me a little longer to make sure that I… I- calmed down."

"Oh, I see."

"Hey Yuri," asked Natsuki, "You're the smart one, do you remember what they said?"

"Well yes, but they have your papers here too," she said reaching for a stack of papers united by a clip.

"They said that you likely had a fainting spell, also known as syncope. It's very common."

"Is it dangerous?" asked Monika. The term was familiar to her, but she was no doctor.

"Not really," said Yuri, "All sorts of people can have syncopal episodes, but they are not usually characteristic of any underlying problem. Usually they're just caused by a lack of blood pressure or blood sugar circulating in the brain. Since you made a fast recovery, it's probably nothing."

"What do you mean by 'fast recovery'?" asked Monika.

"Well Natsuki was only out for a few seconds to a minute, and right after she came to she could speak and had control of her limbs. Plus there seems to be no lasting mental damage, although we can't be sure." Yuri didn't seem to want to elaborate on some of the things that Natsuki had ranted about when seemingly insane.

"Well that's good," said Monika, "But are you sure it's not a seizure?"

"The doctors don't seem to think so, but they recommend coming back to do a MRI scan or something just to make sure."

"Wait," interrupted Natsuki, "I don't remember that part. They said they want me to come _back_?"

"Well yes," said Yuri, "Just to make sure that there is nothing wrong with your brain."

"I'm fine!"

"Well I suppose you don't _have_ to go, but they would recommend it."

"Oh no," interrupted Monika, "If they want to see you, you should go to your appointment."

"I don't want to."

"You're going Natsuki. Plus it could get worse, what if this happened again?"

"You're not my mom."

"No, but I'm Monika, and I'm the responsible one so you're going."

"Um, I'll help you schedule an appointment," offered Yuri.

"Whatever," said Natsuki, clearly annoyed, "it's probably nothing."

"Probably not," said Yuri, "but it's still a good idea to go to follow-up appointments."

"Anyway," said Natsuki, "Is it okay for me to leave now?"

"Uh yeah," said Yuri checking the papers, "I think so. You'll probably just have to check out."

"Great, let's go," she said kicking off her covers. She was wearing her normal clothes, not any type of hospital robe. "Hospital rooms are boring anyway."

Yuri helped her to gather up her belongings and they left the room and walked downstairs. After checking out, they walked out into the hot afternoon air. Yuri checked the time. It was a little after three o'clock. Their shift at the university library had already started.

"Hey Natsuki," said Yuri, "I think I'm going to go to work."

"I thought you said you canceled our shifts for today," said Natsuki.

"Well, yeah, I did call in earlier to let them know what had happened and they said that we could take the day off, but they also said that if things change and I could make it, it would be appreciated."

"Come on! Aren't you already late? Just take the day off."

"No, I'm serious Natsuki. Unless you really need me to stay, I would like to go to work. I've never really had a real job before, and I kinda want to not get into the habit of skipping work. I mean, you don't need me to stay or anything?"

"What- um, no, of course not," stammered Natsuki, "I'm fine. Thanks. See you later?"

"Yeah, sounds good," Yuri said as she began to break away from Natsuki and Monika, "Bye."

"Wait- um," Natsuki said, and Yuri stopped walking.

"Is something-" asked Yuri, but she was cut off by Natsuki darting over and wrapping her in a crushing embrace.

"Thanks Yuri," said Natsuki, her voice somewhat sad and for once willingly revealing her vulnerabilities, "be safe."

Yuri hugged back. "I will." They separated, and Yuri hurried off in the opposite direction. Natsuki and Monika turned around and continued to walk.

They silently continued on their way. Monika replayed the events in her mind. Obviously Natsuki cared deeply for Yuri and vice versa, after all they were best friends, but something seemed different. Natsuki very rarely dropped her tough and confident demeanor, especially when she knew others were watching. The fact that she was willing to embrace Yuri in front of Monika showed that she was genuinely concerned. Something that she had seen while out had frightened her, made her especially concerned about Yuri. She wanted to ask, but not even she knew how to approach this situation.

"Hey Natsuki," she began.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Monika mentally kicked herself. Real smooth.

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno, just… I guess I'm just concerned, that's all. Since you fainted and all. Is anything different?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. I feel okay," said Natsuki, somewhat annoyed.

"Sorry," said Monika, trying to do emotional damage control, "I guess I just get really nervous when people are in danger or bad stuff happens."

"That's okay Monika. Thanks for being concerned and all, but I'm fine."

"Just things don't seem to add up," she said trying to continue the conversation from a different angle, "Yuri said that syncope is caused by loss of blood or sugars in the brain, but she also said that you two had dinner yesterday. I don't know, something just seems off."

"Look, it's probably nothing-" said Natsuki, but before she could continue she was cut off by a loud female voice.

"Natsuki! There you are, areyouokay?!" And suddenly, it was Natsuki's turn to be on the end of a crushing hug.

"Oh, hey Elyssa," she said between breaths.

"I didn't see you in class, and I didn't know what had happened, and I tried texting you, and you didn't respond, but then I heard rumors, and I got scared, and I tried to find you, but I couldn't, so I decided to go to the medical building-" she paused and took a breath, "but on the way there I found you, areyouokay?!"

"Dude, chill! I'm fine!" said Natsuki finally separating herself from Elyssa.

"I heard you fainted!"

"Yes, I fainted," she deadpanned.

"What happened? I'm so glad you're okay; tell me everything!"

"Uuuuuugghhh! Do I have to? You should have been there!"

"Yes, you have to, what happened?" Elyssa pressed.

"Ugh, I think the worst part about fainting is having to tell the same story to over and over again to _everybody on campus!_ "

"Good, so what happened?"

"I should have stayed in a coma," murmured Natsuki, but she began to tell Elyssa what had happened anyway.

Monika smiled as she watched Natsuki talk and fight with her friend. She didn't really know Elyssa all that well but knew that she and Natsuki were good friends. Monika was glad to see that Natsuki had so many friends who cared about her. According to Yuri, Sayori had even made time to pop in for a few minutes a little after noon before she had to leave to go to another class. Monika hoped that if something like that happened to her, that she would have so many people who cared. But while Monika was glad to see Elyssa caring so much about Natsuki's wellbeing, she couldn't help but feel frustrated at the girl for interrupting them. No matter, Yuri may be able to shed some light on what had happened.


	13. Ch 13: Animalistic Vices

Ch. 13: Animalistic Vices

Yuri usually liked working in the library. It was slow but peaceful job, and with the plethora of books around her, she would often find new things to read after she had finished putting returned books back on the shelves. It was a Thursday, so she worked from three o'clock to six o'clock, only three hours, but still long when compared to most student shifts. After all, with daily classes and commuting time, most students, Yuri and Natsuki included, simply did not have the time for block shifts.

Still, even though the shift itself wasn't that long, Yuri found herself wishing it to be over. It was not because of any job-related stress, in fact, she had finished shelving her cart of books and had taken up a position behind the desk in the print room, rather Yuri found her thoughts constantly dwelling upon Natsuki.

" _Don't leave me! Don't leave me!"_ And then in a whispered voice, " _Please don't die Yuri."_ Her voice rang out clearly in her mind. Perhaps she shouldn't have left Natsuki. Yet Yuri, like Monika, did not want to become dependant upon inherited wealth, and as such she wished to take her job seriously. Still though, she wondered what her friend was thinking. Maybe it was alright and her mind was just overreacting to Natsuki not being by her side at work. During the first week of school, Natsuki wanted to work at a local bakery, but when the bakery, for whatever reason, did not hire her, Yuri was able to hook her up with a job at the library. At first, Natsuki hated it, but over time she came to enjoy working there. When traffic was slow, they would often spend the entire shift just talking, and now, during a slow shift without her, Yuri was uneasy.

The clock ticked slowly along until at last she was free. She gathered up her backpack and books before clocking out and leaving the building. Walking outside, she could see students coming out of late classes while others hurried off to evening through night classes. Navigating her way through this throng of people, while being careful to avoid attention, she made her way across campus. She finally reached her residence hall and took the stairs up to her room. She gently opened the door.

"Yuri! There you are," came the voice of Natsuki. Yuri stepped inside their divided room and closed the door behind her.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Now I need you to get me one." Yuri looked at Natsuki, her hair was uncliped and messed up. She had changed her clothes from before and now wore pants, a t-shirt, and a light jacket; she wore her boots as if she had somewhere to go.

"Get you what?" asked Yuri.

Natsuki sighed. "Look Yuri, don't play stupid with me. I need one now."

"Wait, what were we talking about?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you? Give me a cigarette, dammit!"

Yuri's mouth opened slightly in shock. "Natsuki! You need to quit, and you know it," Yuri said sternly.

"Yes, I know okay? But when I gave you my pack it was under the agreement that you give me one when I ask. Plus, it's not like I'm addicted or anything- dummy!"

"How many have you had this week?"

"None! The last time I asked you for one, _one_ , was last week on Monday, and that was just because I had a two projects due that week!"

Yuri sighed and looked away, "I shouldn't give you one. I- I shouldn't."

"Just get it! Just one a week, and only if I'm stressed, is what we agreed would be a good rate- or at least until I cut this entirely."

Yuri looked directly at Natsuki. "Please-

"We have an agreement! Just one a week _at most_. It's been almost two weeks, and if you give it to me, I can't smoke until next Thursday at the earliest."

"It could stunt your growth," Yuri said in a last desperate attempt, "you have to stop."

"Too late for that, now isn't it? Listen, we all have our vices, and at least I don't touch or cut myself, so just give me the damn thing!"

"I don't-!" Yuri bit her lip, trying to hold back her words. "F-fine, I'll get it," she said in defeat. Yuri walked over to her desk. She pulled out her key and unlocked one of her drawers. Technically cigarettes were not allowed in the dorm rooms, but like her long knife, Natsuki's pack was carefully hidden. She grabbed it, pulled out just one and placed the near-empty carton back, locking the drawer behind it. Then, feeling as if she had just sold her soul, she gave the slender stick to her friend.

"Thank you," said Natsuki, taking it. She then walked towards the door and when she was halfway out, Yuri darted over and stopped her. "What now?" grumbled Natsuki.

"Wait," siad Yuri sincerely, "Just let me come."

"Whatever, come on."

They walked out of the halls together, and while they walked, thoughts blazed through Yuri's mind. It was a necessary evil, she told herself. Over and over again she told herself this one fact. After all, if she wasn't there to give one to Natsuki every now and then, she would go off and buy her own pack. This was the reason why Yuri agreed to this deal in the first place.

As long as they had known each other, Natsuki had been smoking, but she never showed it. One way or another, Yuri never figured out how, Natsuki had started smoking back in high school. Yuri suspected that it had something to do with her living conditions at home. Perhaps her dad had let Natsuki use his own cigarettes, and then the stress of her home and school live had driven her to smoke to relieve stress. But at the end of the day, Yuri didn't know, and it didn't matter.

She had found out about Natsuki's habit early on in their first few weeks of college. At first, Natsuki had claimed that she didn't smoke much. Yuri was a little concerned, but didn't mind at first. After all, Natsuki was her own person and some people have bad habits. However, about halfway through their first semester, Natsuki told her that she was trying to quit. Yuri agreed to keep her cigarette pack and only give her one every few days to a week. Later on, she had convinced Natsuki to always abstain from smoking for an entire week, and for the most part Natsuki did well. She wasn't addicted, or at least not to that great of an extent, she just needed to smoke every now and again.

They continued to walk. Their campus had a 'no smoking on premises' policy, so they had to walk to the edge of the campus. There were several people their age out, and Yuri tried to avoid making eye contact as much as possible. She scanned the area looking for an open space that they could sit at, away from people. She thought about sitting underneath one of the large oak trees nearby, but while they were mostly empty, they were still technically on campus grounds.

"Where do you want to go?" asked Natsuki.

"I'm not sure. I don't want to be around people either, so it would be best to find some quiet and out of the way spot. Maybe we can just find a place to sit on the side of a restaurant or behind the _Dollar General._ "

At that moment, they heard an odd rustling sound coming from the oak branches above them. Something fell out of the tree and landed behind them.

"Hello there!" came a familiar voice.

They spun around. " _Sayori?!_ " they exclaimed in unison.

"Ehehe~ got you," said Sayori cheerfully.

"Where the hell did you come from?" asked Natsuki.

"Oh, you know, just hanging out in my tree until you two showed up."

"Wait, you have a tree?"

"What were you doing in it?" asked Yuri in utter confusion.

"Nothing ~heh. I just like climbing trees."

"But why-" began Yuri before being cut off.

"Are you feeling better Natsuki?"

"The next person who asks that is going to get a very painful death," said Natsuki.

"Hey! I only saw you once today when you were in the hospital- and even then only for a few minutes before I had to go to class, then work. I'm so glad you're okay!" said Sayori giving her friend a quick hug. Natsuki wasn't too thrilled about her displays of affection, but she reluctantly returned the embrace.

"Hey speaking of work," said Yuri, "Why aren't you wearing your fancy business suit?"

"It's not a _suit_ ," said Sayori, "It's a regular pair of office clothes, but I usually bring a spare for that I can change out of them as soon as I get off."

"And where did you leave your business clothes?" asked Natsuki.

"Oh they're in my bag-" she said before looking up into the thick oak canopy she had jumped down from. All three saw a school bag hanging from a higher branch, completely out of reach.

"Oh," muttered Sayori, "Ehehe~ anyway, what are you two doing?"

"Oh noth-" began Natsuki before Yuri cut her off.

"Natsuki needs to feed her raccoon."

Natsuki punched Yuri in the arm. "Shut up- _idiot!_ "

"Feed your…Oh," said Sayori, her cheerful expression evaporating.

"Yeah- 'oh!'"

"Seriously Natsuki," began Sayori, "You need to… actually, you know what I would have said. You don't need to hear it again."

Natsuki looked somewhat surprised. "Yeah," she agreed, "Anyway, I'll be-"

"I can come with you if you like," offered Sayori putting on a small smile.

"That's okay, but-"

"No, no, I mean it," said Sayori, looking away, "We're always here for you, you know. It's not like we don't all have problems of our own."

Natsuki looked slightly annoyed, but calmed down when she remembered that her friend was just trying to be nice. "Fine, but it's getting dark. Let's hurry up."

They kept walking down the street until they left campus grounds. On either side of the road were shops catering specifically to college students, specifically selling stuff that they couldn't get on school grounds. There was sports memorabilia, sold by third party vendors to avoid the high costs of merchandise on campus; alcohol, sold by vendors significantly more lax in the identification scrutiny department; and, of course, cigarettes. Further down the street were the fraternity houses, places that Natsuki and Yuri tried to avoid if possible, and so the streets were fairly crowded with guys their age. They kept walking and took a side street, Yuri's natural talent for finding the quietest location possible leading the way. Eventually they found a quiet alcove in between a parking lot and one of the many stores.

Natsuki stood at the edge of the parking lot and lit her cigarette using her lighter which was also technically not allowed in campus dorm rooms. Yuri and Sayori hung back and waited.

Momentarily, Sayori was struck by the poetic beauty of it all. The fading light, the cooling concrete, the buzzing insects, the love between friends and their own interior faults and vices- these all divided reality into many distinct layers, each incompatible with the other, and yet Sayori seemed to feel some type of force, some type of essence of all existence pass over and through her. Where did human perception and subjective experience end and reality in itself begin? Could the one really exist without the all or vice versa?

"Hey Natsuki," said Sayori after a while.

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind if I ask you another question about what happened today?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

They stood in silence for a few seconds.

"Okay fine," said Natsuki, "What is it?"

Sayori hesitated, unsure of how to begin. "What- what did you see?"

Natsuki seemed to choke on the smoke for a second. "Wait, what?"

"What did you see when you were out?"

Natsuki froze up. For a long while she just stood there, cigarette in hand but not placing it on her lips. Sayori thought that she would just not answer.

"What do you think I saw?" she asked at last, "I saw Yuri die- or rather her dead body. She was already gone, and a bloody mess at that."

Yuri looked away shyly. She couldn't help but feel guilty even though she was not responsible for the actions of a dream simulacrum. Still, from what little Natsuki had told her about the vision, she couldn't help but feeling that her knife obsession wasn't helping things.

"What happened?" asked Sayori.

Natsuki took a long breath from her cigarette and exhaled it in a cloud of noxious gas and particulate. "I don't know. There was a blade, a long knife. It was covered in blood- the same blood covered her hands. I think in the dream she shanked herself."

Yuri continued to play with her hair, melting into the shadows. Sayori didn't say anything.

"Her body- her body, started to stiffen and decay. The skin got tight, eyes dull," she took another breath of smoke, "You were also in the dream."

"I was?!"

"Yes," said Natsuki, not looking directly at Sayori, "On the wall was a picture of you hanging from a rope."

Sayori's mouth opened in shock, but she said nothing.

"Hey Sayori," said Yuri interrupting, nervously, "Didn't you- didn't you once have a dream like that?"

"Many times," she said quietly.

"Look, Natsuki," said Yuri, "There's probably a reasonable explanation. You probably just thought of these things because Sayori already told us about it. The subconcious is kinda weird like that."

"Is it normal to have dreams when fainting?" she asked skeptically.

"When you were sleeping- in the hospital earlier, I looked up stuff about dreams occuring during syncopal episodes."

Natsuki turned to face her directly in interest. "Really? What did you find?"

"There were… mixed reports. Some people claim to have experienced long dreams while unconscious, as if entire hours have passed. Then they wake up confused to see that only a few seconds have gone by."

"What do they dream of?"

"That's the thing though, they said that they couldn't remember anything. Some say that it was as if the entire memory evaporated, like the memory of a night dream, except much faster. The only thing that was left was the feeling that hours had gone by."

"Were these common?"

"No," said Yuri, shaking her head, "In fact they were said to be quite rare. Maybe when you passed out your brain was just in overdrive thanks to the shock and blood loss to your head, so it came up with these crazy dreams."

"But didn't you say that most people forgot what they had seen?" asked Natsuki in confusion, "I clearly remember this. It was like I was physically standing there."

"I know, I know, but maybe this was an exception?"

"Both Sayori and I had dreams of death. This doesn't seem normal."

"Look, horoscopes and prophecies and crazy dreams are all alike. We receive random information and interpret in light of what we can make out of it. It probably doesn't mean anything on its own."

"Yuri," said Natsuki seeming to get frustrated, "I'm not saying that anything weird is going on, or even that they mean anything psychologically. It's just that when people have dreams of friends dying, that's kinda terrifying. Ugggh, what were we talking about again?"

"I don't even know."

Natsuki took another breath of smoke. They continued to wait in the gathering darkness until she finished.

"Are you afraid of death?" asked Yuri at last.

"What?" asked Natsuki in confusion.

"Sorry! I- I was just wondering, since, you know," said Yuri playing with her hair.

"Um, I mean, I guess. Who isn't?"

"Good point," said Yuri.

"I don't know if I am. Or at least I don't think I am," said Sayori, "Or at least I'm more afraid of those I love dying than myself. Kinda ironic." They both looked over at Sayori who was sitting on the ground, staring at a rock. They had both nearly forgotten that she was there.

"What do you mean?" asked Yuri in confusion.

"Well," said Sayori picking up the rock and continuing to examine it, "I just see no reason to fear death. It's a change, to be sure, but I don't think there is any reason to fear it."

"That's crazy," said Natsuki in her usual blunt manner, "Didn't you have crazy dreams about it?"

"Well yeah, I never said the _process_ of dying is fun, but death itself? I see no reason to fear what comes next- whatever comes next."

"But how?" asked Natsuki, "Isn't it like-" She waved her hand around in vain trying to come up with the right words.

"Look," said Sayori rising to her feet, "I have a will to live like anyone else. I'm _not_ suicidal. All living things have basic drives to avoid death and propagate the species, and while mine are admittedly much weaker than most people's seem to be, that doesn't mean that we should just accept our animalistic drives as absolute values. There is a divide between what is, and the values that are left unsaid."

Yuri looked like she was about to say something, but suddenly she heard a loud whistle coming from across the parking lot. A small group of guys, some already a bit drunk, were staring, mainly at Yuri.

"Ugh, come on!" said Yuri, her cheeks darkening with color, and her face veiled by her hair, "Lets go."

Natsuki dropped her burnt out cigarette butt and stepped on it. "I'm ready. Let's go."

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: The funny thing about life is that even if nothing happens, stuff keeps happening, and as such, it may take me a while to work on this fic.**_

 _ **Also, this is somehow my most popular piece of writing. I guess it makes sense though. Everything else I write is aimed at a very small fan group, or really, just for my own peculiar interests. Anyway, thanks for reading! If you have anything to say let me know.**_

 _ **Also, while I may be straying away from the normal characterization of Sayori, I personally think it's for the better. Now saying people on here do this, but on other places I've seen her portrayed as much more of an airhead, which I really think is a flanderization of her character. Aaaaaaanyway, hope it works.**_

 _ **-Ooffo**_


	14. Ch 14: Quid est Deus?

Ch. 13: Quid est Deus?

The university cafeteria food was usually hit or miss, although given the variety, even a picky eater like Yuri or a vegetarian like Monika could usually find something at least decent. As such, the three friends had stopped by to get dinner before returning to their dorms for the night. However, they had stayed in the cafeteria a little too long, and it was getting late, or rather, it was only nine thirty, but they had classes the next day, and washing up before bed and after waking usually took some time.

"Hey Sayori?" asked Yuri as they entered their dorm elevator.

"Yeah what?" replied the outwardly cheerful redhead.

"Did you still want to go over the notes for class tomorrow?"

"Oh! Yeah, I totally forgot about that. Didn't you want to study sometime this evening?"

"Well yeah," said Yuri, "But since it's kinda late I'm just making sure."

"Well yeah, sure- I mean, if you two don't mind," she said looking over at Natsuki.

"I'm good with anything," Natsuki replied with a shrug, "I have class tomorrow as well, but I don't mind staying up 'til midnight or whatever."

"Great," said Yuri with a smile, "Even though it probably won't take that long. So we can just go to our dorm?"

"Actually, I need to get my book- and drop off some stuff," said Sayori smiling while placing the tips of her index fingers together.

The elevator arrived at their destination and Natsuki groaned. She hit the button for Sayori's floor. "I'll get out and unlock our room," she said, "Better than riding this slow-ass elevator all the way down and back." She quickly slipped out of the doors before they closed again.

Sayori and Yuri took the elevator back down to the second floor where Sayori and Monika's dorm was located. They got out, ran down the hallway and got to the door only to find that it was locked.

"That's odd," said Sayori jiggling the handle, "Monika is usually home, especially at this hour."

"Where do you think she is?"

"I- don't know. Maybe she wanted to go to the library to study, although it's not too noisy here. Or maybe she went to get dinner, but it is kinda late for that."

"Do you have your keys?"

"Oh yeah," said Sayori suddenly as she reached for her wallet, "Forgot for a second."

She gently opened the door only to find the room almost exactly the way she always left it. Oddly enough, however, Monika's backpack was lying on the ground meaning that she was likely not studying. Sayori looked over the scene but dismissed it. Monika would likely be back after a while, after all, her absence wasn't too unusual. Still, she promised herself that she would call Monika if she didn't return by the time Sayori was done studying. Sayori gathered up her books and notes, then turned and walked out, locking the door behind her.

She and Yuri headed upstairs, this time taking the stairs, and found the room also empty. However, from the sound of running water coming from the bathroom, it was obvious that Natsuki had simply gone to take her shower. Sayori was suddenly aware of her own need for a shower after spending so much time in a tree in the afternoon. Yuri sat on their fluffy carpet-rug by her bedpost and Sayori took the opposite side. They both took out their notes and texts, including a copy of Spinoza's _Ethics._ In class, they were studying the great enlightenment rationalists, particularly Baruch Spinoza.

"So what do you think about it?" asked Yuri.

"Ehhhh…it's systematic, I'll give him that."

Yuri laughed, "Yeah, kinda dry though."

"Totally."

"Good thing we're only reading the first two books, right?"

"Yeah, but even so it feels more like I'm reading a math problem or an instruction manual than a book," said Sayori tossing her notes back on the carpet.

"Yeah, I think that was the point," said Yuri, "I may be able to help though. Was there any parts that you just didn't understand?"

"Why anyone would write like this?"

"Come on, seriously."

Sayori thought about it. "What's it mean by a 'substance'?" she asked at last, "I mean, when most people talk about 'substances', it's usually a polite way of saying 'drugs,' and I'm pretty sure the book's not talking about acid. Although, to be fair, I'll probably have to be on acid to understand it."

Yuri laughed a little, "Yeah… no, it's not talking about drugs. What it means is simply something that can exist in itself."

"Run that by me again."

"Okay look," Yuri thought about it, "Think about color. It cannot exist except in another thing. Like my hair is blackish with a touch of purple. This purple color does not exist just floating around in space outside of anything- contrary to what H.P. Lovecraft would have you believe."

"Uh…"

"Sorry, bad time to make a reference you wouldn't even get. Anyway, the point is, if a thing depends on something else to exist, then it is not a substance."

"So you're saying that like colors can't exist wherever, but they have to be in something else. Meaning that things have to be colored."

"Basically, yeah," said Yuri.

"But what about a rainbow? Or a light projector?" asked Sayori in confusion.

"Well even for those the color is in something else. The water droplets bend the light and then the light itself needs a source. Even then, color can only exist if your eye, nervous system, and consciousness perceive it."

"Huh. So basically color cannot be a substance, but only the stuff that is colored that makes the experience possible?"

"Well-"

Sayori held up her book. "Like this book? It's not a hologram or anything, so it's a substance right?"

"Not really. You still need paper to exist before it can take the shape of a book."

"Wh- that's cheating! It's a _solid object_."

"Still counts," said Yuri smiling in a somewhat sadistic amusement, "but still, can you think of anything that just _exists_ without depending on any underlying feature?"

Sayori thought about it. "The fundamental matter, or the smallest subatomic structures of matter?"

"Well close, but that still needs space to exist in."

"Wait, space counts?"

"Of course. I said _anything_ \- even it it's not a particular thing."

"Oh, then space itself," said Sayori confidently.

"But space is only a _part_ of reality as a whole. After all, matter is separate from empty space."

"Wait, you said _reality_ didn't you? Doesn't that count? _Reality itself_?"

"Good job, you figured it out," said Yuri, "See? I told you it wasn't that hard if you just think through it and rigorously apply each concept."

"But wait," asked Sayori going back on her earlier confidence, "What if we are all living in some type of simulation?"

"Wait what?"

"Yeah! What if we're all living in some type of big computer simulation?"

"Sayori," said Yuri somewhat sarcastically, "You need to stop watching _Rick and Morty_."

"Heeeeeey! I think that show is even stupider than you think it is," replied Sayori, "But seriously, what if we were all living in some type of demonic video game? Or this is all a dream?"

"Like in the _Matrix_ or some shit?"

"Basically, yeah."

"Well I guess I should have said 'ultimate reality," replied Yuri.

"Ultimate reality?"

"Yeah, like what reality is _really_ made of."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean…" Yuri paused to gather her thoughts, "What if this is all a dream? We have no way of telling, but this dream has to depend upon something existing to have the dream. Like, something or someone has to exist in the ultimate reality to have the dream."

"But what if that reality is just a big artificial computer program?"

"If we live in some giant computer game put together by some insane creator, then even the computer that we exist in must have ultimate reality in itself."

"But what if that computer is just another program which is in a bigger computer?" challenged Sayori.

" _Computerception!"_ said Yuri giggling.

"Seriously though, I know it sounds like an old meme or an overused gag, but what if?"

"Well either way, whatever is the 'biggest computer' is part of the ultimate reality. You can't have an infinite chain of computer simulations inside of computer simulations."

"So basically 'substance' is just an esoteric way of saying 'ultimate reality.'"

"Pretty much," said Yuri.

"And so this is why there can only be one substance? Because it is reality, and so if there were another thing existing, it would simply be a part of the much greater reality?"

"I think so," said Yuri sightly thrown off by the wording of Sayori's question.

"And this one substance must be infinite as if it were limited, it would have to be limited by _something_ which would have to be part of reality. Like what you said earlier, if there were just something floating around in space, it would still be limited and contained by space itself, which is also a part of reality."

"I think you're getting it," said Yuri.

"And Spinoza calls this ultimate reality God or Nature?"

"Well yes."

"But why?"

"Why what?

"Why is it called God when it is not? And why is God identical with Nature?" asked Sayori confused, "Like, it's just a thing- it's just reality. Why is it God?"

Yuri took a breath and thought about it. "I think," she said at last, "It all has to do with his definition of what it means for something to be God."

"What do you mean?"

"...Well," she said at last, unsure of how to proceed, "The great medieval philosopher-theologians defined God as 'that which necessarily exists' or 'the first cause,' and they further defined it as something that is absolutely infinite. That is to say, it's like the computer example, in order for something to exist, it has to depend upon something else. God is that which all things depend upon- the first cause and ground of all existence. God is the Ultimate Reality."

"But… they thought God is separate, right? God is not the universe, for God is completely unknown."

Yuri nodded, "The medievals did, and Spinoza just took their arguments to their logical conclusion. If God were separate from reality, then one or the other would not be real. You cannot have two substances, and you cannot have two ultimate realities. And, really, while reality itself is ultimately unknowable, we can still describe it- just as the medievals thought that God can be called loving or good."

"Yeah… I guess you're right. Reality really is unknowable in itself," Sayori thought back to the many mysteries that plagued her one short existence.

"Yep, see? It's not too hard."

"Maybe not for you," said Sayori, a little disappointed, "This whole line of reasoning just seems fishy. I guess abstract thinking doesn't come as easily to me."

"Sayori, you're a first year student who has had no experience in this type of stuff until this year."

Suddenly, as quickly as Sayori's disappointment came, it vanished. "Oh yeah, didn't you say that you had background in classics and stuff before even high school?" she said casually shifting the conversation away from herself.

"Well, yeah," replied Yuri, "did I ever tell you that my family is Jewish?"

"You rarely mention them at all," said Sayori, "Plus I thought you said a while back that they were nonreligious?"

"Both are true, actually. My parents were atheist Jews. They placed an emphasis on our traditions and customs, even though they were not religious in the sense that most people are."

"Wait, I know that non-religious Judaism is a thing, but how does that even work?"

"Well… it… it's confusing. The explanation is that even if God is not or at least not the God of our scriptures, we can still keep up the traditions of our ancestors. I'm pretty sure that there are people like this for all religions though. But yeah," Yuri took a breath as if trying to put something difficult into words, "The traditions and scriptures make it clear that the central tenet of Judaism is the adherence to one God. I just couldn't understand how we could adhere to the normal customs while the most central one is missing. I guess that's why I don't consider myself to be Jewish or an atheist anymore."

"So you believe in Spinoza's God? Like Einstein did?"

"Um, well, to an extent-" Yuri scratched the back of her head, "Look, can we stop talking about this?"

Sayori's face turned red. "Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to pry- I just figured, you know, since you know so much about-"

"That's okay Sayori. It's natural to ask these types of questions between friends- and even sometimes between casual acquaintances. I don't consider it to be rude, after all, religion is one of the main things that makes humanity what it is, and in this society, due to politeness, it is a major facet of a person's life that is often overlooked or stereotyped. And some people just don't fall into any clear category.

"Oh," continued Yuri, "But I get why you would wonder how I know so much about this stuff. When I was young, because my parents are rather wealthy, we had a large library. In this library were all sorts of books, including Jewish classics. We had not only the Hebrew Bible and the Talmud, but Kabbalah texts and the works of great Jewish philosophers, such as Philo of Alexandria, Avicebron, Maimonides, and, of course, Spinoza. When I was younger, I was not a normal kid- I'm still not normal, let's be honest-"

"Hey! Don't say that! You're alright," protested Sayori.

"It's okay," said Yuri shrugging, "I've always known that I was a bit off compared to everyone else. As you know I never made friends much as a kid and would often spend my recesses reading a book rather than playing with the other girls. I used to read books that I had found in my parents library. And, so, that's how I became acquainted with ancient history and and the thought of these cultures."

Sayori thought about it. "Was it worth it?"

"Pardon?" asked Yuri in confusion.

"I just mean is being different worth it?"

"Um, I'm not exactly sure how to answer that-" began Yuri before she was interrupted by a playful voice.

"Hey what are you two philoso-fags going on about?" asked Natsuki barging out of the bathroom wearing her normal pajamas.

"Oh, hey Nat," said Sayori happily, "just finishing up. We were talking about all existence and nonexistence needs a sufficient reason and the reason for reality requiring a necessary existence claim in itself and-"

"Ew, that sounds gross," she said opening up her mini-fridge and taking out a bottle of chocolate milk before flopping on her bed.

"A-ny-way," said Yuri trying to get back on track, "do you think you understand it now?"

"I think I do," said Sayori, "But, I know we talked about this in class but where does this all go? Or really, why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, even if you are able to give a satisfactory explanation for why the universe _is_ , why is the universe _the way it is_?"

"Well, as we touched on in class, Spinoza believed that the universe was orderly, that is to say without logical contradiction. And really, that makes sense, as logical contradictions are impossible in a technical sense. But the end result was to see reality as ultimately determined- every day, every raindrop, every beam of sunlight, every birth, and every death, all playing out based off strict logical necessity with no possibility of deviation. Even the contents of our mind, all playing out their predetermined cadence until death, when there will be no more thought or action."

"And… we're supposed to be happy with this?"

"Well, not exactly, but as everything is determined from the beginning, we shouldn't waste time seeking happiness and the love of temporary things and people, but instead focus on living in accordance with virtue. Things that give happiness cannot be controlled, so one can only find happiness in intellectual virtue."

"So… the idea is that all the bad things that will happen in our lives and our reactions to them are predetermined, and so are all mental states, and our deaths are predetermined as well, and that other people are also temporary, so we should not seek happiness in them, but just focus on making the right choices- even though these choices ultimately lead to the same inevitable result?"

"That's pretty close to it," confirmed Yuri.

"So reality gives us the illusion of choice, even though the end is set from the beginning….That still sounds like we're living in some type of evil game that's rigged from the start!"

Natsuki yawned loudly.

Yuri shrugged, "You don't have to accept it, in fact, I think that an inherent unpredictability and randomness is an essential feature of reality, but surely you can see how some would find comfort and even long for a completely logically ordered reality."

Sayori thought about it. "I guess so, but it seems to me that this is just one big excuse to escape choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if everything is determined, our individual choices are meaningless and of no consequence, but if we live in a world of infinite choices, every action defines our reality while eliminating an infinity of possibilities. This whole scheme seems like an excuse to deny this responsibility."

"Existential dread!" shouted Natsuki dramatically, "Anguish!"

"Perhaps," said Yuri ignoring her obnoxious friend, "Anyway, I think we both understand this well enough, and we can study again closer to the exam if you think we should."

Sayori nodded and checked the time. "Yeah, it's getting late. I should be going to sleep. Goodnight!" She began to pack up her things.

"Goodnight," said Yuri.

"'Night," said Natsuki as she shot her milk bottle into the trash can.

"See you tomorrow, oh- and I can't wait for us to go out for your birthday!" she said as the door closed.

"Oh yeah," said Yuri after the door had closed, "I'd almost forgotten about that."


	15. Ch 15: Monika's Journal

Ch. 15: Monika's Journal

 _I just can't get it out of my head. I can't shake the feeling that these are all connected. Ugggh!_

 _It's been a while since I wrote in here, mainly because for a while I thought I had it all together. Guess not. Strange isn't it? When life is going well, we don't need to write or reflect upon these things. I don't know._

 _Anyway,_

 _I guess I should begin with her dreams. For the past few months, actually, I think the first was last semester, before Christmas break, Sayori has been having these dreams. I think I wrote about them in one of my past entries- never mind._

 _Anyway, she's been having these dreams, of her death. Specifically, she says that she dreams of hanging from some type of rope. In her dreams, she says her vision fades and she sees a light, then she sees a boy running towards her. She can't make out the cause. Why would anyone have dreams like that?_

 _Anyway,_

 _I often find her spending more and more time in some type of prayer or meditation. Apparently she tries to find the answer inward. I try to help, but that's the thing about them, the rainclouds, as she calls them, they can't be healed from without- or so she says. I think I believe her._

 _For me, it's the exact opposite- for I cannot be alone with my thoughts. In fact, I don't think it's healthy for her either, but then again, if she can find solace in her retreats and rituals, that's all the better. For me, I cover it up with oth-_

 _Never mind, I should get back to the point at hand._

 _So I had a project I was working on earlier, and so I almost skipped dinner. I ended up grabbing a bite by myself from a fast food restaurant on campus. But then I returned my belongings to my room and went out._

 _So usually, when I can't figure out the answer to something, or- nevermind. Anyway, I have two methods to calm myself down. Usually, I go down to the piano room. There is this small, out of the way room by the washing room where there is a nice big grand piano. Some of the keys are broken and it's a bit beat up, but it works. Usually I go down there to play. Something about the sound of the washing machines and the clothes dryers combines with the melody creating a strange and wondrous sound- bah! Now I'm starting to sound like a poet- or a musician. But then again, I guess that's my role. Natsuki is the artist, Yuri is the philosopher, and Sayori is the romantic poet. Meanwhile I play. We all have things that we do- hobbies, I think, that we find comfort in._

 _There is another method that I use to forget about these things. Sometimes I go out. I sometimes go down to one of the bars downtown, usually just for a drink. But usually I only do that when I_ _really_ _have nothing better to do. I may seem normal, but somehow I feel different from others my age. I see girls my age, even younger, constantly flirting with the guys at the bar. I can do it as well, hell, I'm probably more attractive than ninety percent of them and just as good at it, but really what's the point? I'm not naive. Even Sayori has a very low opinion of other people, - NO! That's not it. Gah! I guess I just meant that nobody is perfect. Whenever I go out, I feel obligated to entertain these thoughts- to be with others, to use them to cover up my own anxiety, but it doesn't work- It just leaves a void._

 _Anyway, that's why I quickly just got a drink and left. Maybe I should have gone to Yuri's room. She had wine, I know, and it's way better than the crap around here. Anyway, so I just quickly went downtown before heading back here. I now sit in the back of the library just writing whatever the hell comes to mind._

 _Sayori often recommends just stopping and listening. What she does, she has this thing where she sorta zones out and concentrates on every little detail, she finds beauty in all things. I really think that's part of who she is though._

 _When I first met her, she was a bubbly airhead. I never thought that she could be like this, but it was only a facade. Eventually I learned about her depression, and I was there to help her._

 _I remember one day, back in high school, shit, it feels like a lifetime ago but was barely a year ago. Anyway, one day, she was upset about something, I don't know what. I know that's the thing with depression though, it just doesn't leave- but this time, I think she had something else pushing at her. Maybe it had something to do with the stress of semifinals and choosing a college. After all, if you don't know what college you're going to after senior year, it's rough. I waited until the last minute as well. Just stuck there lost in the infinite possibilities-_

 _Anyway, I remember talking to her on the way home from school. It started out like normal, but then somehow we got into a fight. Not physically, but we were both angry at each other. I think it was my fault. I just didn't understand her- or at least not that much. She cursed me out- one of the only times I've seen her curse, and ran home. She said something about hating her life and wanting to end it. I reluctantly went home. It was only later on that evening, I felt sick. I shouldn't have left her, and I ran over. Her door was open and I found her in her garage hugging a rope- I think she was repeatedly tying and untying it, for it appeared knotted._

 _Bah! I don't want to think about that! Anyway, could that have something to do with her dreams?_

 _And then where do I fit in? She says she saw some type of boy in her dreams, I, of course, don't know what he looked like, but after the dream I had last night- gah, can I even call that a dream? It felt so real!_

 _Anyway, when I met her, she wore a mask, and underneath it was self-loathing depression. But I think that her mask is deeper. Could her depression be a mask for something else?_

 _Perhaps her depression is really a manifestation of the anxiety she feels. After all, we are told that we must finish college with the best grades, choose a college, choose a major, and just start being adults. Eventually, we get married and have kids- and what's the point? Gah! Nevermind. Maybe it's these choices and her responsibility for determining her own future that's killing her mind?_

 _Or maybe I'm just trying to minimize her problems and rationalizing them. But then again, what if that is in itself another mask? It seems that she is the most at peace, the most genuine, the_ _real_ _Sayori when she is quietly observing the beauty in all things. Maybe it's the antithesis of her anxiety over the possibilities? Maybe she sees beauty in the fact that reality just_ _is_ _and it's beautiful._

 _Anyway,_

 _I'm back. I just got up to get water. Probably didn't have to write that. Anyway, looking back over what I wrote, I realized that instead of being worried about myself, most of this seems to be about Sayori. I don't know._

 _And then there's what happened to Nat today._

 _Something's not right. Something feels off. I once read this book. I was a sci-fi book about a doctor serving as a surgeon in a galactic war. It it, he contemplated whether or not robots have free will and consciousness. He, in the end, concluded that they do, and this completely rocked his previous paradigm. He described it as jumping to lightspeed. When you're in space, you can't approach lightspeed, or the ship will feel a resistance. But once a ship turns on a hyperdrive, it can go much faster. He described his epiphany like that: a ship traveling at normal speeds suddenly getting a boost and traveling faster than light._

 _Part of me feels as if I'm running up against some type of mental resistance. As if what seems like a perfectly ordered and logical world is about to come apart at the seems._

 _And yet part of me feels like I've already had this epiphany- this breakthrough, and I just need to remember it._


	16. Ch 16: On the E at Delphi

Ch. 16: On the _E_ at Delphi

"Hey, hey dude get up!" came a loud, obnoxious voice. Yuri opened her eyes a bit. The sun was bright- too bright.

"Uh, wha-?" she asked as the fog of sleep threatened to take her mind.

"Get up! We're going to be late!"

"Huh! What?" Yuri jumped out of bed, and rubbing her eyes she checked the clock. It was nine twenty, a little past the time she would normally get up but they still had more than an hour to get to class, and considering how late most students slept they were up early by comparison. Still, Yuri wondered why she was so sleepy. They had gone to bed rather late, but still. Suddenly Yuri remembered that it was her birthday. She was turning twenty, and later on she would go out with her four friends to celebrate, but for now, she had to get up and go to class as it was still a Friday. "We're not going to be late," she murmured.

"Still, I want to get to class early- oh, and plus I wanted to show you something in the art room."

"Is it that drawing from _Parfit Girls_ you were telling me about the other day?"

"Well yeah, but also, do you remember Elyssa?"

"Of course" said Yuri, "We may not be friends are anything- well, that sounded kinda harsh, I meant that I may not know her very well, but I still know of her from you."

"Okay good. Well she and I were paired up to work on a project. Basically we have to draw scenes from some type of visual medium and so we chose _Parfait Girls_ since we're both weebs, and now, since _you're_ a weeb, I can use you to see how they look."

"Hey!" protested Yuri, "I may somewhat enjoy your manga, but that doesn't make me a weeb!"

Natsuki held up her hands, her index fingers extended and wiggling slightly. " _Beep beeb._ "

"Uh-"

" _Beep beep._ "

"Uh, what are you doing?" asked Yuri in confusion.

"Quiet!" snapped Natsuki, "It's my weeaboo detector. I use it to sniff out reluctant and closet weebs. _Beep beep beep!_ "

"Come on, that's not-"

" _Beep, beep beeeeeep!"_ her fingers were now pointed straight at Yuri.

"Knock it off!" she said pushing her hands away.

"You can't hide what's inside!"

" _Whatever!_ I read everything okay?" said Yuri, "What do you want me to do?"

"Not much, just follow me up to the art room and look at our stuff. Elyssa just wanted you to see her drawing since she did more of a landscape shot and I'm not the best judge of those."

"Oh, okay," Yuri yawned, "Do you want to go get breakfast first? It shouldn't take more than ten minutes to walk over there."

"Eh, we can just eat on the way."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh yeah," said Natsuki picking up a bag of biscuits off her nightstand, "Here want one?" She asked tossing one of the half burnt biscuits to Yuri who fumbled and dropped it. "Fail."

"Shut up," said Yuri picking it up and dusting it off, "Where did you even get these?"

"Monika got them out the oven yesterday when I fainted. I decided to save them. Still kinda good."

"Oh yeah," said Yuri thinking back to the previous chaotic day, "That happened." She took a small bite of the biscuit. A little charred, but not that bad.

"Anyway come on," said Natsuki as she picked up her backpack.

"Wait, what about tea?"

"Wait what?"

"We normally get tea with breakfast."

"Dude! That takes time, come on!"

"But it's always better to start a day with a nice warm cup of tea."

" _Come on!_ You can _buy_ a tea at Starbucks or any other pansy cafe!"

"It's not the same! Too artificial."

"I don't care."

"Fine, I'll come with you, but if this turns out to be a really weird day I'm blaming you for not allowing me to get my tea." Yuri looked around and grabbed her large leather overcoat.

She had gone to sleep wearing a white t-shirt with a design of classic greek columns engraved with what appeared to be a capital _E_. Boys generally took an unusual interest in her shirt, or perhaps they were just looking for an excuse to try flirting with her. They would often ask her what the _E_ stood for, and she would explain that it was the Greek letter epsilon. At that point, the conversation generally would branch off into two directions. Some people would assume she was talking about some type of Pokemon, to which she would reply that there is a difference between the Pokemon Espeon and the letter epsilon. Most others would just assume she was in some type of sorority. She would then calmly explain that the letter and stone column design was meant to depict and symbolize the ancient temple at Delphi, which was famously decorated with the letter epsilon. It was a symbol of wisdom, of power, of the divine giving a sign. At that point her would-be seducer would walk away utterly confused.

She stretched and considered going out wearing just the shirt without the overcoat, but as her arms were extended, she noticed a series of small, thin markings lining and circling her arms. No, not today, but maybe one day. She slipped on the overcoat. Her scars were healed, most of them at least, but they did not yet fade. She picked up her backpack, "Here, pass me another biscuit."

Natsuki did so as they closed their door behind them. The day was already warming up and there were several students milling about. It was far too early to be a time of peak commute, but there were still those headed off to morning classes or the gym for an early workout before class. Despite her overcoat, Yuri didn't mind the heat. She kept it open in the front, plus it was not like she was going to stay outside for long.

They entered the large building and caught an elevator up to the design studio floor. The floor had one long hallway running down the edge. To the left was a series of windows overlooking the campus with the distant Pacific in the distance. On the right was another series of windows, these displaying a series of small sculptures, drawings, paintings, and anything else the art and design students wished to display. Natsuki led the way down the hall until they reached her room. She opened the door.

They were the only ones in the room. There were several small art stations scattered throughout the room, belonging to students who came at many different hours. The art department knew that some artists worked better alone, so they arranged for students to sign up for block times with their friends for that the room wouldn't be crowded at one hour and abandoned the next. However, late at night and early in the morning were free for all, so it made sense for the rooms to be empty before midday classes started.

"Which one is yours?" asked Yuri.

"This one over here," said Natsuki leading the way through the art stations to her own. Yuri looked at it and recognized the scene instantly. It was the park scene from early on in the manga where the main character first began to develop feelings for Minori, one of the girls. "Do you recognize the scene?" asked Natsuki, "Did you even get that far?"

"Yeah, I just got past that part," said Yuri, "This is great! I mean, not only is the artwork done, like it's clean and all, but even through the picture you do a good job of displaying their emotions and budding feelings." Yuri unconsciously placed her hand over her heart and her eyes momentarily took on a faraway, almost longing, look. "But then again," she said snapping back to reality, "I'm probably not the best person to judge that."

Natsuki shrugged, "Well thanks anyway. I just wanted to make sure that there was nothing obviously off or unclear that I wasn't seeing."

"Yeah, no problem," said Yuri before turning her attention back to the drawing, "Oh, by the way what is this?"

"What is what?"

"This boarder. It seems that it's a bit uneven. Like look at the bottom compared to the other sides."

"Wait, what?! Oh, that? I tried to make it look kinda like one of those old Polaroid pictures."

"What do- oh! Oh, okay, I see it now. I guess I didn't recognize the design though. I mean, Polaroid cameras were a bit before my time."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Natsuki a bit disappointed.

"Although you art people would probably get it. I mean, you all specifically study the history of this kind of stuff so recognizing it would come easier."

"Yeah, we 'art people' are a weird bunch."

"Not as weird as us 'philosophy people,'" pointed out Yuri.

"Let's just be thankful none of us are Business majors. Those guys are just annoying."

"They're probably the ones laughing at us with our dyed hair and negative odds of finding a job."

"Let's be honest, it's almost impossible to find a job no matter what you do. I'd rather be working at Starbucks while taking my chances for the future with a not-so useful degree than to try to get something that is actually useful but that I would hate."

"Yay for reinforcing stereotypes that women choose to study dumb shit in college!" said Yuri sarcastically as the two friends high-fived.

"Oh! By the way, come see Elyssa's." Natsuki walked over to the adjacent art station.

"What did she draw?" asked Yuri.

"A scene from the second act, one of Alice's dreams."

"Oh, it's from Act 2? I just started that volume."

"Do you at least know what's up with her dreams?"

"Well, in Act 1 they hinted at the fact that something about them was not right, or that the plot would have something to do with them, like maybe that they foreshadow something. Why, is it a spoiler?"

"Well…" Natsuki hesitated, "Not really- well, just look at it, and tell me what you think. It shouldn't spoil anything."

"Fine," said Yuri walking around to the other side and looking at the picture. The first thing she noticed was the massive wheel. The wheel appeared to be rotating in the sky along axis despite being drawn on a static two-dimensional sheet of paperboard. The wheel seemed to have three wheels superimposed upon itself, each facing and appearing to rotate in a different direction. Each wheel was made out of a golden olive type gemstone and along their rims were human eyes, looking out in all directions. They fit together like clockwork and from the way the wheels were drawn to stimulate motion, they appeared to grind together like an enormous gearbox.

 _A͝ r̡o͝ta͜t̡i͟ng̸ ͜wh̵ęe͝l̶. T͠urning̸ ̛an̕ a̡xle͢. ͢Grin̵di̕ng. ̷B͟o͏lth̨ea͢d.͏ L̕i̢n̢ea̢r ̡ǵeàrbox͘._

Yuri felt a pain in her forehead. Her vision blurred.

 _A̵ ̴t́h͝r̛e̴ad͢ ̨c̨o͟n̨ne̶c̕tin͝g ́a͏ll ĺi̢vi͠ng̷ h͢u̵ma̷n eye̛s̵. ͘E͡xp͏on͠e͞nt̷įal̴ ͜g̢ear͜bo̶x̧.̶_

She pressed her hand against her forehead. They came in flashes, in quick short bursts like long buried memories.

 _A͝ whee̴l̸ ͞ro̵ta̵t͏in̴g͘ in͞ six͜ di͠m͘e̛ns͘ions.͠ Fort̡y ͟g͟ea̛ŗs̨ a͝n҉d́ ̢a ͘t͜i̸ck̢ín̴ǵ ̕c̸lock.͞_

The memories, they flashed through her mind, but she could not place them. The words were neither audible nor visual but remembered, the way an author may remember the words of a poem she wrote or a musician the lyrics she composed. Bursts of insight appearing and being instantly grasped by the conscious mind, summoned out of the depths of the unconscious memory, they were like answers to a difficult mathematical proof or the perfect words to say to that special someone or the correct answer to a test question remembered just before time evaporated.

 _A̧ ͠tim̀ę-̕ḑe͝vouring p̸r͟aye̷r͠ co҉n̕nèc̀t̨in͏g a ͟sķy̕ o̴f͟ ͟f̢or͜t̴y̧ ̵gear͝s͟ ańd ope̷n hum̷a̸n ̡éyès̡ ͏i̶n̨ a͢l͠l͘ ̧di̵r҉ecti̛o̧ńs̶.̷_

Now actual images flashed through her mind. But again, she did not see them but _remembered_ them.

 _The memory of being back in high school, but something was different. Monika said something, but the memory escaped her. A handsome male face appeared but vanished again. A rash of paranoia. Intense lust and fear combined. Natsuki stood in front of her, her neck broken._

 _Br͟e͡at̷h͡ing ͞G̶o͟d.̨ B͝r̴eàthíng ̡bl̀o͜o͏d̕.͜ ͜Breát͟h͡i̢ng͟ ̵holy stake͜s̀.̛ B̴rea҉th̨in҉g͢ h͞u͞m̷an e̶yes. ̀Bre̷a͞th̕iǹg̢ ́time. ͢B̷reàt̷hi͞n͜g͡ ͟pr͠ay͜e͡r͢. Bŕe͘a͢t̴h̴i͡ng͏ sky.͢ Breathin͏g͞ wh̵ęel.̸_

"Yuri! Yuri! Are you okay?!"

She snapped back to reality. She found herself standing up, looking at the drawing. She felt dizzy, almost sick. She grabbed the back of a nearby chair to steady herself. As she sat down the memories began to fade, like the memory of a particularly good dream at the first rays of dawn. All that was left was a subtle sense of dread and paranoia.

"Dude, are you okay?!"

"I- I'm fine," said Yuri. Her mind was picking up speed, becoming more clear, reality was precise again. She felt the hard wood of the chair, smelled the scent of freshly sharpened pencils as air and life rush through her lungs, saw her friend standing in front of her concerned.

"What was that?" Natsuki asked, "I thought you were going to faint."

"You faint on me, I faint on you, seems like we're even," the speed of her friendly retort came almost instinctively. She took a series of breaths.

Natsuki smiled, "I'm serious, how are you feeling? What was that?"

"I think I'm okay," said Yuri trying to figure out just what _was_ that. The memories had faded, only a few of the words remained as well as the vague feeling that she had remembered something important. "I don't know. Maybe it was the same thing that happened to you."

"Good idea," she reached into her bag and pulled out a _Gatorade_. "Here drink this."

Yuri took it. "See? This is what happens when I don't drink my morning tea." She drank a few sips. Natsuki rolled her eyes.

"Was it something about the picture?" asked Natsuki.

"What?"

"Elyssa's drawing, when you saw it you looked like you were about to faint, and your face is still even more pale than usual."

"I… I'm not sure. I mean, I don't know why I felt dizzy."

"I've heard that sometimes people react like that when they see certain things," said Natsuki. "Did it remind you of anything?"

"I- yeah actually, but I can't really remember."

"Oh."

They sat there while Yuri finished the _Gatorade_ , all the while studying the picture. Suddenly Yuri seemed to remember something. "Hey do you mind if I borrow the rest of _Parfit Girls_?"

"Sure, go ahead," said Natsuki, a bit confused as to why she was asking now of all times.

"Thanks!" she said quickly getting up.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I have to get them before class starts! I'll tell you what I can find," she said rushing out the door.

"Ooookay, good luck with that I suppose." Natsuki watched her leave, then picked up her pencil. Sometimes she worried about what went on in Yuri's head.


End file.
